From Namahatta.org

By Matsyavatara das

Family Matters

By HG Matsyavatara dasa

I believe that family life, the grihastha asrama, is a theme of universal interest. Some will get married and some will not, some will have children and some will not. But also those who don’t get married and those who have already surpassed this phase of life will greatly benefit by knowing the basic dynamics, the rapport of weights and measures, the values of family life in the Vedic-Vaisnava civilization. In the past so much damage has been done by people—who had no positive experience in this area—who tried, disastrously, to handle the life of others. Therefore those directly involved in family life—as well as those who have to come in touch with those directly involved—should know about the fundamental principles and values on which family relations are based. To know such fundamentals of the grihastha asrama is an integral part of spiritual realization, not because it’s in itself something spiritual, but because it’s a social organization problematic to spiritual realization. Even those who renounce family life for a more elevated aim will always be in touch with those in family life. Directly or indirectly everyone is interested in family life, either because one is married, or because one plans to form a family, or because one has brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, or parents in family life. In this way this asrama is fundamental and is not completely avoidable even for those who desire to live as brahmacaris—a very noble commitment and intention.

From Krishna’s point of view there is no difference whatsoever between brahmacari asrama, grihastha asrama, vanaprastha asrama and sannyasa asrama. These are four positions or stages of life in which one places oneself for self-realization. The goal of life is not to become sannyasi or brahmacari, or to become grihastha or vanaprastha. The goal of life is self-realization and this time we talk of the grihastha asrama because in this phase many people complicate their problems and their relations. Many people have therefore proposed alternative arrangements to married life but they all have been appalling disasters. Family life is certainly the most complex stage in terms of interface with the world. One has to deal with economy and with a whole series of connections and relations—sometimes extremely difficult—such as children, parents, brothers and sisters.

Delivering One’s Dependents

Question: In the Fifth Canto of Srimad-Bhagavatam Rishabhadeva states: “One who cannot deliver his dependents from the path of repeated birth and death should never become a spiritual master, a father, a husband, a mother or a worshipable demigod.” [SB 5.5.18] Could you comment?

We can’t force anyone to go to the spiritual world but we can honestly take the responsibility of doing whatever is possible to help a person to untie his or her karmic bonds. It happened that I had to advice people in debt. Their real problem is not the debt with the bank or with somebody else; their problem is their behavior and their mentality, structurally wrong. If someone in a moment of generosity would pay back their debts, they would continue to incur debt anyway, because insolvency is ingrained in their character. They do things in the wrong way and produce debts. This is similar with karmic debts; it comes from the same source: errors inside, a deformed mind.

This statement by Rishabhadeva means that we should do our best to rectify people’s mind. Diseases, for instance, are other types of debts but the dynamics are the same. There is no such thing as good and bad luck; what exists is the way of doing things, the mood, the quality of the mind and of the intellect. We have to analyze the vasanas, the latent desires. When the latent desires are negative, the negative eventually comes out. Someone may accumulate money and not make economic debts, but the same person may make debts in his relations; he might create enemies left and right, and those are extremely heavy debts. Other people are very capable in the field of relations but whatever they do and touch ends in disaster. These are also debts. Therefore sastra teaches that we should control the senses, for life becomes risky when even a single sense breaks free.

Have you seen the dependence of the smoker, who surreptitiously gets away to go and have a cigarette? Have you seen the character-deformation of an alcoholic, or of a cocaine-addict, or of a gambler? They live in great suffering and with great internal conflict. The gambler knows that he is destroying his life and the life of those around him. Well-equipped casinos had a room with a notary ready to write the will and where the loser could shoot himself, could commit suicide. Gamblers know that gambling is bad; they cry and bang their head into the wall; they know that by playing they ruin themselves and their families, but it overwhelms them. Similar dynamics are there for the women or men-hunters, the assaulters of others’ purity. Therefore we should educate people to control their senses from childhood. This is what Rishabhadeva is saying. And one must have self-control himself, otherwise how can he educate others? How someone smoking tell another to stop? So Rishabhadeva says that one who assumes the responsibility for others should be able to guarantee them liberation—guarantee it from his side—but they are not wood-heads, they are not automatons; they can choose. Everyone has to endeavor, but the leader should educate others to be free from the conditioning of the six degrading impulses: the urge to speak, the mind’s demands, the actions of anger and the urges of the tongue, belly and genitals. In this sense the husband, the father, the mother should be gurus, even if they don’t know the sacred science in depth.

Dealing With Illicit Sex

Question: In ISKCON we are taught to follow the four regulative principles, among which avoiding illicit sex is often the most crucial one. However, there are situations where one member of the couple does not’t agree on practicing sexual restraint, and this could lead to the drastic break-up of the marriage. What can be done in such cases?

This is a burning issue, which requires an honest and urgent clarification. It is not the first time I talk about it, but so far I have done it only with very intimate students.

According to my understanding of Srila Prabhupada’s teachings, I distinguish between two categories of illicit sex: the first is pre-marital and outside marriage—they belong to the same category—and the second is within wedlock, between a regular couple united before God, with the authorization and blessing of the spiritual master, who sanctifies the marriage. Both categories are classified as illicit sex—to use the classic terminology—but for me there is no comparison between the consequences of extra-conjugal illicit sex and those from illicit sex within a religiously constituted couple. The term “illicit sex” is used to point out that sexual organs are not toys and, for both men and women, their proper function is procreation. Sexual organs are parts of the body with a precise function, and every other function is improper or “illicit.” Having said this, the embodied being experiences many conditionings, arriving to this body with a huge karmic load of samskaras [1] and vasanas [2]. For some people, therefore, the urges could be so strong that, despite all good intentions, there could be some lapses. But one thing is the lapse occurring within the married couple, and quite another thing is the lapse outside marriage. Outside the regular couple the failure is disastrous, both personally and socially, whereas within the regularly constituted couple the damage is contained—but I am still talking of damage, don’t misunderstand. There is no comparison between the two damages.

By the mercy of the divine grace, I have always strongly stressed the importance of following the regulative principles, and I am not talking like this to promote a different behavior, a different standard. I do believe that those who seek spiritual realization and aspire to develop pure love of God should strictly follow the regulative principles, and therefore should not engage in illicit sexual activities. At the same time, in my many years of experience counseling people, I have witnessed a lot of suffering caused by the uncritical, uncompromising application of the law.

People live on different planes of consciousness: It is exceptional to find two people on the same level, even if they both sincerely desire to become devotees at the same time. In a couple there is often a partner who makes quick advancement, while the other might remain stationary for some time. This usually generates a gap. I have been advising couples for more than twenty years to help each other, to be patient and tolerant. If one of the two needs help, the other should offer it generously. Perhaps I have not stressed this enough… I consider that one should rigorously follow the regulative principles, but I am now talking of cases that could lead to serious turmoil in the family, cases that usually lead to betrayal. I don’t want to suggest that anyone should abandon the principle of purity, but it should be understood that people can be cured through constant love and affection. If between husband and wife there is real sincerity and friendship, in some measure there will also be real love and affection. If the willingness to overcome one’s limitations is there, some careful concessions can be excused, thus avoiding big, serious, irreparable havoc.

In my answer I limit myself to say that we should not’t put extra-conjugal illicit sex on the same level as the occasional weaknesses in married life. Considering them the same would show a lack of spiritual comprehension and maturity and a misunderstanding of the function of controlling sexual energies. To rectify a person— to rectify the character, to cure a disease—we need to follow the path of recovery. An expert doctor always knows how to administer the medicine. I am not surprised or astonished if a young couple of my students once in a while indulge in effusions that go beyond the limit. Of course, I absolutely don’t encourage such things because they dissipate emotional resources and increase bodily identification, distracting the devotee from the real purpose of life: Krishna-bhakti. At the same time, I am in my late fifties and I have some knowledge and experience of psychology; I have seen people who have rigidly negated their impulses for a long time and later—even in the guise of renouncers—have abandoned their religious vows.

Repression and Sublimation

Whoever represses his sexual instincts without being able to sublimate them—which means increasing his sadhana and connection to guru and Krishna—won’t be able to resist long enough, and will inevitably head for a fall down. These fall downs could be so serious that the individual thrown in such a state of moral and spiritual prostration might not be able to rise again, at least in that lifetime. As the Vaisnava scriptures explain, only a few people in this age are already so elevated that they can immediately and completely abstain from sexual activity. The majority of people need gradual distancing, protected by the institution of marriage and regulated by the four principles—the necessary groundwork for ethical life and the pursuit of spiritual realization. The management of emotions requires great competence and maturity, both cultural and spiritual. The guidance and direct assistance of the spiritual master is therefore essential, especially in crucial moments of life, when one is called to make fundamental choices (e.g.: choice of asrama) that, if wrongly handled, could jeopardize or stop spiritual advancement.

Both repression of instincts and indiscriminate indulgence can produce neurosis and serious personality disorders. Our Vaisnava literature explains that psycho-physical energies, indispensable for the journey towards transcendence, should be neither negated or repressed, nor indiscriminately dispersed; they should be correctly used, beneficially and propaedeutically to the development of personality. In other words, they should be sublimated by engaging in devotional service. Hari-nama japa and nama sankirtana, Deity worship and spiritual association are the best means to overcome problems of lust.

Experience teaches us that through the discipline of bhakti-yoga not only is it possible to sublimate impulses—by the elimination of their self-destructive unconscious charge—but also to reintegrate them on the plane of pure consciousness, as divine rasa. Otherwise, when one gives in to such impulses without discrimination, they obnubilate and obscure the consciousness, provoking confusion, frustration and suffering; they enslave the subject in ephemeral conceptions and bodily identities, in destructive tendencies and instincts. The science of bhakti aims at the exact opposite: making the person fully conscious of his divine nature, his own relationship with God and an instrument for everybody’s well being, including his own.

The second and third chapter of the Bhagavad-gita teach us that whoever represses certain impulses but keeps cultivating attachment for the sense objects in the mind— persisting in their contemplation and internally longing for them—won’t succeed in the path of yoga. [3] We need to learn how to dissociate from the sense objects also psychologically, transcending the problem, and for this there is a discipline or a route to follow, with arrangements and methods that partially differ from person to person, according to the various states of consciousness and psychological conditioning. Such different arrangements are obviously all finalized to reach the same objective: to overcome bodily identification and selfish gratification, and to develop pure bhakti. [4] Krishna says that discovering a higher taste is necessary to abandon the inferior, conditioned and conditioning taste—source of multiple sufferings—and to reorient physical and mental dynamics: “The embodied soul may be restricted from sense enjoyment, though the taste for sense objects [the desire for them] remains. By experiencing a higher taste and ceasing such engagements, he becomes fixed in [Krishna] consciousness.” [5]

Right and Wrong Decisions

We should try to be honest and serious, first of all with ourselves. We should have a balanced vision and not allow people to take the vow of lifelong celibacy at a young age, without first having shown tangible signs of maturity and dominion over the senses. This maturity should be on different planes: cognitive, emotional and behavioral. A choice that is the best in absolute terms can produce serious damages if made at the wrong time, due to the person’s lack of preparation. If not properly helped, the person who incurs in such difficulties generally develops a sense of self-failure and a heavy sense of guilt, which eventually cause inhibition, depression, emotional blocks and the stop of spiritual progress. This sense of guilt can be defined as pathological, whereas a healthy and beneficial sense of guilt arises when the person is aware of his mistakes and deeply repents them, finding in himself, guru and Krishna, the energies to rise above them.

Regarding such sensitive issues, specifically connected to life in the grihastha asrama, over many years I have noticed a vast symptomatology and many damages produced by hasty decisions and a rigid mentality. Many marriages have failed because the person experiencing difficulty in restraining the senses—when confronted with an overly rigid partner—has looked for satisfaction outside the marriage, starting love affairs and betraying the spouse, thus producing a hellish condition for involved. I recall a whole list of rigid people who first ruined their family members and then ruined themselves.

Real affection means to come forward to the needs of others, and I believe that every real need in the family has to be taken into serious consideration. If a person thinks that he or she can’t or should not’t concede anything, absolutely nothing, such person should not get married. And if he does get married, throughout his whole matrimonial life he will be bitterly reminded that he should not have married. Couple means two people, two people who promise to help each other for the rest of their lives. If one is in need and the other does not’t help, I don’t know how this refusal could be beneficial for his spiritual advancement, and how it could be done in the name of devotion for Krishna. Of course there can be embarrassment, little enthusiasm and whatever else, but something has to be done to help.

I have seen so many cases of conflict and I have come to the deep conviction that there must be a mediation, there must be reciprocal affection, reciprocal care. When the desire for intercourse assumes a dangerous psychological proportion— producing a “fixed idea,” a true neurosis—we should act as with any other disease, looking for a remedy and a cure. When I acted as a direct witness and I advised people in this way, they often solved their problem brilliantly, gradually finding balance, detachment and serenity, discovering a type of affection that was not based on sexual intercourse. Real affection, spiritual affection, has no need for sexual intercourse or physical contact. Such affection is the achievement of the target of bhakti, and is obtained after a long practice; it is not a starting point. At the beginning the couple might endeavor to overcome the problem, but to rise above it the effort must be equipped with enough capacity and experience, and above all enough cultural and spiritual maturity in Krishna consciousness.