Diaries of Ananda Lila
By Subhangi devi dasi
All glories to the assembled devotees. Please accept my humble obeisances. It’s interesting to note that someone reposted the story of my fathers passing Terminal Restlessness. The daughter that saw the Yamadutas was Lila. She was 13 at the time and said to me, ” I’ve read Srila Prabhupads books and you don’t take it all seriously but now I see that it is all reality. After seeing the Yamaduttas I will never perform any sinful activities in my life.” And so far as I know she never did……… These are a few poems we found amongst the ‘doodles’ of Lila in her room after her departure. Hope all her friends and wellwishers find it amusing and get a nice insight into her heart….. your servant Subhangi dd These were all word for word by her, unedited….
March 2003 India-will lift your bindia- It’s a place like no other-so you better bring your mother- at times it can be tough-you might even say ENOUGH!- well even though you don’t know where to piss-you’ll always have transendental bliss ….. la fin…
7th July 2004 OPEN OUT MY HEART! HELP! Sometimes life is a pain, a second hell full of shame, I really don’t know how to deal, hopefully one day these open wounds will heal, I cannot even explain, how I am supposed to deal with all this pain? All this pain gathered over the past weeks, I feel I am going to shut down I feel so weak, God please help me with this, for I never knew such a pain could exist. Maybe I should just forget about life and turn to God, I dunno, for me this is just to hard, One day fighting one day crying, I feel as if my star is no longer shining. Hopefully it will be fixed by love, or maybe a little guidance from above.
I’ve been thinking, no need for this ship to be sinking, Although I do not always see, I know that Krishna cares and will always be there for me, Life can get tough and you’ll feel down, but there is no need to frown, It’s just a part of the puzzle, life is not always a dazzle, it can sometimes be a big hassle.
I am happy here where I am, I can do heaps more than other people can, The sun will rise, the sun will set, but living in Vrindavan is as good as it can get. Thankyou Krishna for this life I do not deserve, I promise this, You I will always serve, VRINDAVAN MERCY
2005 (By Jamal and Lila) SONG ABOUT VRINDAVAN On the way to Agra on the Mathura road, There is a place called Vrindavan, Lord Krishna’s abode, The Jamuna river flows through the town, If you sit by Her banks you won’t hear a sound, Srimati Radharani the Queen of Braj, Never leaves Vrindavan She refuses to budge, Bihariji lassi the best lassi around, If you drink that lassi turn your frown upside down, In the month of Kartik you are bound to have fun, Diwali and Goverdhan puja all in one, You come for Holi get covered in dye, Be careful who throws it, don’t get it in you eyes, If you do some seva the benefit is huge, If you commit offences your life will be screwed…….
(chorus) Come to Vrindavan, get the Vrindavan mood. You better be good or your in for it dude….
(ending) Vrindavan, Vrindavan is place to go, I told you how to do it now I gotta go, THATS THE END OF THE SHOW
Mid March 2007(Lilas thoughts after and regarding the death of Ananta in a bike accident) JUST A CLOUDY THOUGHTFUL DAY! (She drew a picture of an eye on one side which she named ‘the left eye of Yamaraj’ and a tilak on the other side with ‘Vaishnava!’ written under it)
Life sucks!!! Insignificant souls! Foolish, foolish people! EVERYDAY is a misery! Time and time again we enter the circle of birth and death again and again!!
So the moral to the story is do whatever the f–k you can to get outta this hell hole!
I dunno since this tradgedy with Ananta they say they’re changed, seen what is the reality of this hellish planet.. But once it’s all calmed down and the time passes by.. it will carry on.. this whole cycle again and again until what?? We are special, we have been bought here for a purpose. Not sex, drugs and alcohol. Are we taking it all for granted? Anyways, just a thought. Does it really affect me? Or will I just be dragged down in this misery tomorro? Why is this all bothering me? Isn’t there more purpose for me than to show that I am a “good girl” and just carry my purpose as a woman to get married and have children with the nice boy? Why rebellion? Why do I think there is more to my life? They always ask, “when are you going to get married?”Yes of course it’s the Vedic way. But I can’t sit there and wait for this I am only 16 they say. But why when they want I am the mature adult? So what if I don’t get married? I need a better purpose than a repopulating machine. Chalo it’s life! Have to not let these things rule me over. Have to first get myself together then worry about these robots… RADHE SHYAMA! What is it really? HARE KRISHNA!! And that? Just for namesake or for the robots?
26th April 2007 Countless thoughts in my mind but always weakened by those mere words… words spoken as patient as the sunset… I feel innerly lost at times yet He always carries me back home where the darkness never shines. “But is this it” I ask…. Is it true? Or just my hope of that happy ending.. yet aware of what a true happy ending should be defined as, why follow my heart to what may be just a little girls fairytale… knowing what sorrow this material existance can bring still we end up in the hands of cupid.. Though the sun rests in the sky, still we insist to find it on dust… we have only one true love as they would say spiritually though still we are in search for more, or shall we say less?? Just some thoughts, not meaning particularly anything. But yes there is a main point… What can you get?? Chant and be happy! Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare Don’t waste your time looking for gold at the end of the rainbow.. For gold can be obtained much easier….
Here is also a letter I recieved from her childhood friend Nilu, daughter of Vidya and Bhaktisiddhanta Prabhus. They were best friends and played in Vrindavan together throughout their childhood….
‘Hi Subhangi, It was so comforting to speak with you. I just wanted to write you two dreams I’ve had of Lila. The first was actually the night before she passed.
the dream started off with her and i rushing through some airport. Perhaps because it was the last place i saw her, the location of the dream seemed appropriate. So, it seemed as if we were running to get somewhere. there were all these escalators around us. mostly little ones. but there was one huge one that reached right into the clouds. you couldn’t see the end of it. for some reason she wanted to get on it. i kept telling her that it wasn’t the right one. we needed to go in a complete different direction to get where we were supposed to be going. anyay, she was determined to get on that particular one. so i was like fine we can go on it and see where it goes. as soon as i got on the first stair, lila had already proceeded way up it. i kept calling to her to wait for me but it was like she couldn’t hear me. i kept screaming her name and she didn’t reply. all of a sudden i looked up at her and her face was completely covered with light. her eyes were filled with this pinkish light and i could hear her screaming krishnas names. she was rejoicing and dancing around the place. she was so excited. anway, i woke up and later that day i found she had passed. i feel like this was her way of communicating to me. i know that when people are in comas there is some kind of mystical thing they do with communicating through dreams. at least thats what people say. i don’t know but i kind of believe it.
my second dream… it happened like a week after she passed. i was in a temple room filled with thousands of devotees. we were all anticipating a performance. i was actually supposed to sing along with kishori (nandu’s sister). so we proceeded to get in the front of the room. there was a band of about thrity musicians. they had the most interesting instruments and looked like they were from another world. so me and kishori get up and attempt to sing along to their beautiful music. as soon as we open our mouths a really nasty sounds comes out. we sounded like cats in heat. it was pretty bad. the music kept playing but we didn’t fit in. everyone was still anticipating some kind of song before the deity doors were to open. about twenty minutes after mine and kishoris pathethic atempt in comes a beautiful girl. she’s clothed in the most exquisite and unique clothes. there is a glow around her. she’s dancing as she comes in. she’s coming from behind the deity doors. she’s giving all these beautiful expressions. everyone is transfixed. they can’t get their eyes off her. the music gets more beautiful than ever. its so captivating. and then she is with the musicians. she stands in front of them and begins to sing the most most incredible out of this world bhajans. everyone sitting in the room begins to cry. this girl has truly captivated their hearts. subhangi, i can still hear the sound in my ears. i can still hear that beautiful voice. it makes me cry whenever i hear it. i’m always listening to it in my mind. i can hear it. anyway, i feel like this was krishna’s way of letting me know that she’s with him singing beautiful sweet songs to him and radharani. she is with radheysyam. she is serving them with beautiful songs. i don’t know if its my place to even say this but i feel in my heart that she’s dancing and singing to the.
Anyway, these two dreams brought some reassurance to me and gave me some comfort.
Lots of love and kisses and hugs, Nilu’
All glories to the pure devotees of the Lord and all glories to Srila Prabhupad, saviour of the whole world.
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