Who was He?

By Vrndavanlila Devi Dasi (Dr Vrinda Baxi)

Kirtan was melodious as could be, a few devotees were dancing as they were singing and swaying rhythmically. It was very different from the other programs that I had witnessed so far in my life. Here there were no characters posing to go into trance or ‘possessed’ by demigods – no imitation of ecstasy. Just pure fun! I had my apprehensions though. Soon it got over and I looked at the people around me as I readied to leave. Though very few, none seemed to be inclined to leave. “Is the program not over?” I asked within my self. The temple inmates readied a huge asana and soon Bhagavad-gita class began. Same enthusiasm as I had witnessed for kirtan and dancing. I was surprised that a temple could have a program like this also. It was not just a 10 minute ritual where you attend the arati, offer some dakshina and move out. I may not be able to recall the sloka, but certainly the impact. I was impressed by the one giving the lecture. I could understand only one thing very clearly – one has to chant regularly. I was listening to it though then I personally considered ‘chanting’ a sheer waste of time and a totally unproductive activity. I was still sitting though my fears; and my apprehensions were wreaking havoc.

The BG class also got over. Again I tried to get up. But the program was still not over. Another surprise. The speaker prabhu was inviting audience to ask him questions. Wonderful! I shyly raised my hand. He answered my question. I asked more questions and he patiently tried to answer all of them. He seemed to know so much. He finally said, “Mataji, there are many more devotees here and it is getting late. I will try to answer your questions one by one in person.” I was offended by “mataji” address, but I nevertheless agreed to the proposal as he appeared to be very accommodative. I sat there till 9:30 pm posing all the questions and doubts in my mind. The discussion continued. I may not be totally convinced, but I was certainly impressed by the approach. Suddenly almost involuntarily, I whispered to him, “Prabhu, I have been suffering from something I myself do not know what it is but it has been years I have not been able to sleep because of it. There is something..er…somebody who appears like a shadow but is still so real. She keeps haunting me day and night. I am just not able to sleep simply because it is very very scary. I do not know what it is. But believe me, I am not hallucinating or imagining. It is for real. Every day, from past about seven years I have been experiencing this.” He was listening to me very carefully. I was watchful of his expressions. Did he think me to be mad? – No, he was not. To my relief, without any further questioning he believed my words – what a relief it was. To be doubted is such a painful thing. Though he believed it, he was very cool and unperturbed. He told me something about gross body and subtle body, and advised me to chant the mahamantra. I had come to the ISKCON temple for the first time, but there was something about this sound, this mahamantra. It sounded so familiar to me. I immediately agreed to chant and bought a japamala for myself.

At night, when my sister knocked off to bed, I stealthly took out the mala and softly began to chant. I was very very tired and had not slept for nights in a row. This chanting made me feel very relaxed and I felt like sleeping. I was very scared but the temptation was very strong. I tried to sleep with lights on. In no time ‘she’ was again present in front of me, trying to choke me. I got up with a start and could not sleep again. I did not chant either, it was useless according to me and began reading some book. I anxiously waited for the morning to rush to the temple. As the class got over, I almost returned the japamala to prabhuji and told him how futile chanting had proved. He heard me out and said with firmness and conviction – Just try again for a couple of more days, it HAS to work. You have tried so many things to get rid of it. Give chanting also a chance for just a week. It is a request. I looked at his face to trace any hidden motive. Finding none, I agreed. He repeated the demonstration of chanting in front of me, complete with pranama mantra. Without my realization, I was chanting atleast four rounds and slowly ‘her’ visitations stopped completely. I was leading a normal life. I loved being normal and the idea of sleep without fear. Within a month, I increased the number of rounds to 8 and then straight to 16. It was beautiful. The temple devotees had told me its meaning, but I was not chanting because I wanted to cleanse my soul. I was chanting because I loved it. It gave me immense pleasure. Attending the arati and lecture soon became an integral part of my life. I loved reading and thus read many books by Srila Prabhupada beginning with Chant and Be Happy. Without being aware, I had been following all the four principles since my childhood (so has been my family) except that I had been taking onion, garlic, tea and coffee. The last two were addictions picked up from the days of my doctoral research. I used to gurgle down at least 25-30 cups of coffee or tea in a single day. It gave me the necessary passion to work on thesis, day and night, without feeling tired. Suddenly, one day while chanting, I decided to give up even on these four. It has been more than twelve years since then and the conviction has only become stronger. Not that I do not like them any longer. Its very aroma is still titillating but I do not feel like taking simply because it is not approved, the Lord whom I love will not accept it. No amount of philosophy could have convinced me for this but this one simple reason. Putting tilak on my forehead, which earlier I had found amusing and no devotee could convince me for, had now become my identification mark. I had to leave the place to pursue my job in a totally different city, but mahamantra continued to be my best friend through all thicks and thins. I worked at a senior position for a multinational company, but mahamantra was present throughout. Now I had increased my number of rounds to even more than double. I had been easily chanting at least forty rounds in a day. I wanted to chant more but could not because of other professional commitments, but I remember the nectarean feeling it used to leave me with. Those were very very spiritually fulfilling days but materially just the reverse. For the first time in my life, I was alone. I was seeing predators for the first time. They looked so much like normal human beings, sometimes even in the garb of devotees but I was in the protection of mahamantra. The process is so simple. Just chant loudly and hear what you utter. However, it comes with its loads of complexity. The complexities that are unique to this age. Kali has taken shelter in four places, where animal killing takes place, where illicit relationships breed, in the places of gambling and of intoxication. Srila Prabhupada, to protect us from chanting without offense gave us the four regulatives of freedom. In this age, following merely these four has become a great achievement. Chanting is certainly purifying and liberating, but in order to chant purely we need to save ourselves from the attack of Kali. City life makes us more vulnerable to fall victim to Kali. When he was given shelter, Parikshit maharaj also ensured that those kind of places also did not exist in his kingdom. Parikshit maharaj took personal interest. Now the times have changed. Now we have what should not be there. The present leadership does, just what it should not. How can chanting in its real import continue in cities? “Yukta vairagya” sounds very attractive for it gives us lot of scope to indulge our senses, but practically speaking not everybody can do that. We need Daiva varnasrama structure to not just allow everybody to chant the mahamantra, but also to allow everybody to continue to chant the mahamantra through out their existence with the same zeal, purity and enthusiasm as it exists in the beginning.
One does not have to be as exalted as Queen Kunti or Prahlad maharaj or Queen Draupadi to directly feel His love and protection. Their greatnes lies not in just feeling His love but reciprocating it humbly, in which we are usually so miserly and ungrateful. I can myself very vividly recall countless incidents when He has showered His mercy. And I am sure, everybody has felt it at one point or the other in their lives.

Once sometime in September 2000 when I was in Chennai, I had to attend a marriage ceremony of a colleague of mine. Since beginning I had been kind of a party-shy person. So this time again, I had made up my mind not to attend and shared my thoughts with other two other colleagues, who also happened to be serious devotees. They advised me against this. I was giving one excuse one after the other, but they were equally adamant in shooting all of them down; finally I gave them the excuse of distance. The marriage hall was somewhere on the outskirts of the city (may be 25-30kms away). This also did not work. They proposed that they will at any cost attend and distance should not be a problem as we all will be together while returning. Finally I hesitantly agreed, though ostensibly I showed no signs of accepting it. The next day I kept one elaborate dress, some jewellery along. Soon after the office hour, I left with another junior colleague to her house, planning to change there and then leave along with her for the marriage function. Finally, all dressed up we reached the venue, handed over the gift on behalf of the company and sat there for a while, watching all the ceremonies intently. We waited for the other two colleagues to join us, but they were nowhere in sight. The other girl with whom I had come, had quickly taken the dinner and left as it was already 9:30 at night. I was still hopeful that the two devotees because of whom I had come, will certainly join. Soon it was 10 pm, the guests had begun to leave. The ceremonies were over, the colleague for whom I had come, she was busy as a bride. I did not know what to do, except wait for the two devotee colleagues. Anxiety was making me restless with every passing moment. I could no longer wait inside the hall, I slowly moved out, still no trace. After some time, I turned inside…by then even the hall was almost empty with just a few workers. I was almost in tears, but with a brave face I asked the workers as to where the autostand or bus stand was. They said something in Tamil. I could not understand it fully, but I could somehow understand that auto option did not exist, but bus stand was about half kilometer or so from there. I kept walking in the shown direction and was soon there. It was totally dark, no houses in the vicinity, everything wearing a kind of dreary look. Another hour passed by in waiting like this, a few stray passers by did appear on the scene, all giving quizzed look (probably because of the heavy dress and weird combination of chanting bag in my hand). Their looks were not at all comfortable. I did not know how long I would have to wait for the bus, if it would ever come or not. I was totally clueless about my next move. Those days mobile phones were not so common and I did not have one to call any of my friends. I had to depend only on Him. My only solace was chanting. I was earnestly chanting to the Lord to take me back safely to my home.

Somewhere round midnight, I could see the shadow of one man standing beside me. I don’t know from where he had suddenly popped up. I was shivering from within and tried to keep my poise as I continued to chant the mahamantra. The man, whom I should say was extremely handsome, very fair and with a red tilak on his forehead, looked in my direction and asked, “What are you doing here?” I chose not to reply to any of his questions and continued to chant. But he was persistent. He stood beside me and after a long silence again said, “I want to help you. If you do not tell me, I will not be able to do so.” Silence and chanting. “See, now it is already past midnight, all the bus services have stopped. The last service gets over at 10 itself. The only option is auto which is little far off from here. Come along with me, I will drop you till your house.” Somehow I hammered out words from my mouth, “I do not know you and do not trust you. I will go only in the bus even if it means waiting till the next day.” He just smiled and said, “Well, then I will stand here with you and wait till the bus comes. It is not safe for a decent girl to be out at this hour of the night.” I was chanting though my heart was pounding. Suddenly like a miracle, one bus appeared on the scene. It had only one driver and conductor and stood right in front of me. I boarded it and so did he. He sat in the seat behind mine and proposed to pay my fare. Not wishing to enter into any kind of argument with him, I simply continued to chant and in the meanwhile he paid. I was chanting, and he was trying to speak something to me. But I cannot recall a single word. For a girl who has no sense of georgraphy or roads it was such a test. Finally after about an hour he said, “Your T.Nagar has come. I think you should get down here.” I nodded my head. He told the conductor to stop the bus. I got down and so did he. I turned around at him a little puzzled. “Why did you get down? You must have boarded the bus to go somewhere where you had work.” He said, “I boarded the bus just because of you. Now I will escort you to your house.” I kept moving towards my house on the Burkit road not knowing what to speak. I asked, “How will you go back?” “That you do not worry. Now you have reached your house, my job is done.” We had indeed reached. I opened the big gate of the apartment, which was right opposite to ISKCON temple and turned around to thank him, but he was gone – vanishing as mysteriously as he had appeared. I still do not know who he was, why he had helped, how did that bus appear at that odd hour with just two people (further just the one that would take me to T.Nagar) and how did he know many details without me telling him anything and where he had vanished in the thin air. Though I may not be able to find an answer to these questions, but one thing that I will never forget is he was very embodiment of the Lord’s causeless mercy. I was simply chanting His name, and He had mercifully sent some messenger of His to help me out of that situation. It is just not a theory, chanting really WORKS. Just try to taste it yourself. He is really present in His name. He is non-different from His name. His naamavatar is so wonderful and makes Him so accessible! But alas, we are so forgetful. Forgetting His mercy, ungratefully I serve Maya and not Him.

Once in the beginning of my journey, I had asked one devotee, “If chanting is so true, it should bring a change in my lifestyle, in my thinking everything. I should be nearer to perfection. Can you give me any live example of this drastic change?” He immediately gave me the example of Jagai and Madhai. I just shrugged it off saying, “Don’t give me something so old in the history. I want some live example.” He told me about the hippies in the US, whom Srila Prabhupada had preached and transformed all through chanting. I dismissed this too. I wanted a live example. What better example can I find than my ownself? It has been the power of mahamantra and blessings of vaishnavas especially my gurudev that my life has become more spiritually fulfilling than earlier.
How would I hear or chant His transcendental name had I been deaf or dumb but now that I have these faculties fully functional in me, let me engage them. Forgetfully I have already lost so many many life times, I do not want to lose this opportunity now:

labdhvā su-durlabham idaḿ bahu-sambhavānte / mānuṣyam artha-dam anityam apīha dhīraḥ

tūrṇaḿ yateta na pated anu-mṛtyu yāvan / niḥśreyasāya viṣayaḥ khalu sarvataḥ syāt [SB 11.9.29]

[After many, many births and deaths one achieves the rare human form of life, which, although temporary, affords one the opportunity to attain the highest perfection. Thus a sober human being should quickly endeavor for the ultimate perfection of life as long as his body, which is always subject to death, has not fallen down and died. After all, sense gratification is available even in the most abominable species of life, whereas Kṛṣṇa consciousness is possible only for a human being.] So let us just chant, the first wave of Srila Prabhupada’s mission.

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare
Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare

[The article originally appeared in an e-newsletter titled The Eight Petals. The author can be contacted at: vrindavanlila.brs@gmail.com]