By Karnamrita dasa
I received an email from someone who wanted to hear about my struggles as a devotee and how I have gotten through them, since he finds himself struggling with his chanting and feeling allured by the material world. Though I think most of the readers here are seasoned devotees, I thought I would share this in the hope that someone might find it useful, even though these are basic understandings.
Any physical life is a long journey, and so is cultivating a life of devotion. Lord Chaitanya has compared Krishna consciousness to the planting, cultivating, and care of a plant or creeper. A creeper is dependent on a tree to grow upward just like we are dependent on the association of advanced devotees and our sadhana to make spiritual advancement. In such company and under their recommendations we engage in the 9 processes of devotional service (hearing, chanting and remembering Krishna etc.).
On any path there will always be ups and downs, and we have to remain steady in difficulties, reverses and success—any of which could deviate us. Krishna consciousness is all about developing and deepening of faith—from beginning to end—and we have to do what is favorable to have and improve our faith. Though we will repeatedly stumble, we have to keep picking our self up, dusting our clothes, and keep on keeping on.
I have stumbled many times in the past, yet even in the worst of times I continued to practice Krishna consciousness to some degree. Though I might like to pretend otherwise, I still don’t always choose the most Krishna conscious thing to do. I don’t think I am unique in this regard. We always have to choose, and our choice will be determined by our desires which may be more or less Krishna conscious.
As many of us have learned we don’t have to give up everything to become a devotee, though that was and is one path some of us must embark on. Never the less, a person pursuing an education, occupation and/or family can still practice KC while living and working “in the world”.
Though some persons like me began Krishna consciousness by leaving their former life and living as a monk in the ashram, many of those same devotees have married, earned degrees, and work and live in the world. I thought it wise to share this before speaking of my spiritual life which began by giving up all my possessions (few as they were) and living as a brahmacari (celibate student) in Temples throughout the world.
Becoming a devotee was the culmination of years of spiritual searching for a path to foster my growth as a soul. I knew I was not the body, and I knew from living in nature that there must be a reason for the regulated laws of the Universe that I observed. Gradually in my quest for spiritual life, I lost all interest in material education, love of the world, and earning money.
My quest become my magnificent obsession. I quit college, my job, and split up with my girl friend. I gradually became an austere vegetarian (eating only brown rise and soaked soybeans), gave away most of my possessions, and began sleeping on the floor. I was attracted to Chinese philosophy which spoke of sages and superior men who were wise in real knowledge and could see life from an insightful platform. I wanted to be like them, and I read as many books as possible and considered adopting the life of a monk in some tradition.
When I first ran into devotees in Berkeley, California, I was very attracted to them, though I didn’t have the words to conceptualize what it was in the beginning. Later I identified that they seemed genuinely—unusually—very happy, peaceful, convinced, and otherworldly—all of which I loved!
I remember one time speaking to a devotee and saying that I might become one of them. I was surprised to hear the words come out of my mouth because until that moment I hadn’t really considered that option. As it turns out they were prophetic words that were inspired by Krishna.
I soon visited the Temple with my roommate (who was to become Jagajivan Prabhu—who left his body last year). Being in the Temple felt like deja vu—I knew being in this environment was familiar and a continuation from a previous life. I felt so at home and relieved to be in this supportive spiritual atmosphere, that it would only take a short time for me to move into the Temple.
Studying the Gita only increased my determination to make this my spiritual path. I read in the sixth chapter that the unsuccessful yogi takes birth in a family to foster his unfinished spiritual development. Although my family was anything but spiritual, I did become so miserable in it, that I was propelled to seek relief from other than conventional means.
I was convinced that there was no material remedy to my dilemmas. Gradually my material suffering turned into an existential search for spiritual meaning to life. I knew that I could only be happy by going deeper into reality which I knew was beyond the physical plane. In this type of intensity, giving up my possessions and living situation was completely natural and easy. Thus my roommate and I gave up whatever possessions we had and moved into the Berkeley Temple. Now my real life was beginning, and unknown to me at the time, there would be many trials and tests in this new direction—though in the beginning years they were not severe at all.
The first year I was just getting used to the devotee life, and learning to trust my perceptions of the world after so many mind blowing drug experiences had made me doubt my senses and question what was real. That doubt was useful in the beginning to enable me to accept and hear the philosophy (see Bhagavad-gita as it is, 7.1 and 13.26), and engage in sankirtana (congregational chanting of the holy name) and other services.
As I matured as a devotee and person, I would have to get beyond black and white, limited thinking in order to use my intelligence, and become as fully present and awake in my life as possible. A symbol of that was at first I didn’t care that I broke my glasses (they were material after all), but later I wanted a new pair so I could see the Deities and the world around me more clearly! Spiritual life I discovered was not life denying, but life affirming, giving us a real life to enthusiastically live. We can become “all that we can be”, living life to the fullest, but now for service to Krishna, his devotees, and to help others.
My first years as a devotee were a long time ago and it is difficult to remember what I struggled with in exact detail. That is likely because I know my struggles were really minor things relating to what service I would do, and as a result they didn’t make much of an impression on me. To my great good fortune, I didn’t really face any doubts about Krishna or his name and service. That would come years later after Prabhupada’s physical departure and the difficulties which were created in trying to carry on his movement in his absence.
In addition to that turmoil, I realized I needed to marry and earn a living, which turned out to be quite difficult and challenging. At that time I had to re-access everything I had accepted about Krishna consciousness. What did I really believe anyway? I had to internalize what I had learned and make it my own (similar to what our devotee children must do). I also had much to sort out regarding who I was and what I had to do. I was no longer carried along by the Temple schedule and devotee association. Now I had to do everything because I chose and wanted to do it. If I didn’t chant, no one but me, Prabhupada and Krishna would know about it.
I joined the movement at 19 and lived in ISKCON Temples for 14 years, so when I moved away from the Temple, it was a quite an adjustment. I survived and very gradually got back on my spiritual feet, though my first marriage failed due to our very different natures and desires. Spiritual advancement involves acceptance and elimination, so some things were constant in my life, and others were added or left behind. Mature spiritual life is progressive, not stagnant.
What saved me in addition to the obvious mercy of Prabhupada and Lord Gaura-Nitai, was that I always continued to chant my rounds of the Hare Krishna mantra, however bad or inattentive they were. (That is a testament to the power of even poor chanting—we have heard about the power of pure chanting!) In addition, my years of dedicated service to Krishna Deities all over the world, and whatever spiritual advancement I brought with me from my last life also kept me on the path of Bhakti, feeble as my practice sometimes was. I continue to draw on those things to this day. I still have my mental and physical struggles with facing material desires that still remain, and I have to choose whether to act on them or not. (see the Gita
2.70)
We all have to develop enough spiritual strength and standing that we will have the stamina to stay the course of Krishna consciousness. Many of us have also heard so many times that the essence of keeping strong is to take advantage of the associating with those of real Krishna conscious standing and also personally practicing a strong sadhana or spiritual practice. And we have to do it!
At 19, in my intense distress and desire for spirituality I was extremely hungry for finding my spiritual path. You have to ask yourself (we all do continually) how committed you are, and what you can do to increase it? What are you hungry for? Coming to the point where we will do whatever is require to foster our love and service to Krishna is an ideal to strive for.
The 12th chapter of the Gita is so important for new people, and for us at different time in our life. There Krishna recommends the worship of the personal form of God
(himself as he stood before Arjuna) over meditating on his impersonal, all-pervading Brahman (White Light) feature. Fixing our mind on him is the ideal way to come to him, and if we do so, he becomes our swift deliverer from the ocean of birth and death.
However, Krishna knows that not everyone can immediately do this, so then he suggests other possibilities which may be easier to practice depending on our life situation. We can summarize those options by saying that real life is about sacrifice or giving, and gradually learning the highest type of giving which is natural for the soul.
The highest giving is to give by being absorbed in chanting and remembering Krishna in love, and by sharing that love with others. (Chanting is praising and glorifying God, surrendering our total being to his will; it is prayer and giving thanks for our life; and seeing our self as his servant, among other things) Not being able to do that we can practice loving Krishna by living the ideals of Bhakti-yoga, which include giving by doing Krishnas and his devotees work, which is what ISKCON is based on. If we can’t do that we may help the devotees in their service to their Guru and Krishna by giving money or our expertise. If we can’t do that we can do what we want to do and offer the results of that to Krishna. Or we can give in any way to some materially good cause like charities, hospitals etc.
The whole point is to understand that we are meant to givers, not exploiters. I have mentioned this before in another post about giving; I repeatedly hear this from my spiritual superiors, though personally I am still endeavoring to practice it! Sometimes I feel audacious to speak in such a simple way to devotees here, yet for me, the basics are still to be heard and pondered, even as I also hear the confidential lila of Krishna, or “higher topics”.
We are endeavoring to realize that we servants, not masters, and we begin to understand this by giving. So we can encourage anyone to find a way to begin their giving—however simple or basic, and that will help them come to the spiritual platform, where gradually they can aspire for the total selfless giving of the greatest devotees, like the inhabitants of Vrindavana.
Becoming attached to a devotee who inspires, and captures one’s faith is the basis of being initiated and going deeper into spiritual life. And after initiation having siksha or instructing gurus can be very helpful. Everything depends on our sincerity of practice and attitude, and intensely calling out to Krishna and his devotees for their help. We have to learn to listen and to be open to Krishna working in ways we may not expect. That is my experience.
Stumbling is something I know only too well.
I heard there is a letter Prabhupada wrote to a disciple, saying something to the effect that a baby learning to walk first stumbles a bit. It is to be expected.
Of course, Prabhupada also warns that it is dangerous (and offensive) to become too tolerant of our own missteps. We do not make a regular business of sinning and then being forgiven, like the sacrament of confession in Catholicism. If we commit sins on the strength of chanting, we may never learn to “walk” for thousands of lifetimes. To learn successfully, we have to be determined to keep our solemn vows.
But we should not torture ourselves with guilt either. Even beginning devotees should be happy, well-adjusted, efficient and “bright faced” people. If we have not immediately come up to the very high standards Prabhupada has set for us (at least they may seem very high from the point of view of our animalistic modern culture), we should be optimistic that at least we have come to understand something of the goal and the means to get there, and if we apply ourselves sincerely we are assured of success in the near future.
That understanding makes us very fortunate. Look at all the things we have, the mantras, the books, the association of devotees, the Deities, the opportunities for service. There is no need to be discouraged or disheartened.
Sometimes we get this fruitive idea while endeavoring to control our senses, like the dieter who thinks, “I’ll allow myself one little indulgence (or binge), and then get back on the path to my goal.” What we do not yet realize is that the goal and the path are one, that staying on the path is itself a success, and that straying is itself a failure, a disaster to be avoided at all costs, not something to “indulge” in.
But in the mean time we have to keep trying and just do the best that we can. Like Ramesvar’s old sankirtan newsletters used to say, “What else is there to do?”
Hi Akruranath! It is always a pleasure you read your thoughtful comments. There must be enough for a good size book!
I think it is important to share our struggles and difficulties and how we have overcome them or deal with them. The scriptures have the lives of the saints, yet we need to have books of our personal difficulties and how we have dealt with them. We are all a work in progress, in the shower scrubbing away the impurities though sadhana and praying for mercy. Most things at the beginning stages are about balance until we are pure souls who can’t live without Krishna or pure bhakti (as in Lord Chaitanya’s prayer or those of the great acharyas like Thakur Bhaktivinode and others.) We don’t want to lax or complacent, but not depressed at our shortcomings. We should push our selves at times, sometimes going beyond what we thought we could, yet knowing our long term base line, or requirements. We want to become stronger, but not break. That takes maturity and good company.
–“That takes maturity and good company. ”
Yes, that was something very valuable in your article. The strong devotees who can give us good association are like big trees that protect our tender shoots.
“mahat sevam dvaram ahur vimutes” “vasudeva katha ruci syan mahat sevaya”: It is by associating with and serving devotees who have a strong taste for Krishna consciousness that that taste will awaken within us and vanquish our lingering efforts to take shelter in the material fruits of karma
As for talking about our struggles, I am (as usual) of two minds, confused and conflicted.
My own nature is to be too lacking in boundaries, too willing to blurt out anything I think or feel (TMI), even if it is not in the right time or circumstance and makes other people uncomfortable.
Personally, I feel the urge to be very open about my shortcomings in devotional service, that I should not pose as being more “fixed up” than I really am, and run the risk of becoming a hypocrite.
But family and friends advise me, wisely I think, to save my “confessions” for more intimate discussions with those who are really concerned about my well being and interested in helping me in specific situations. The public is not really interested in my own lowly struggles and does not, or should not, want to hear details about pecadillos and failures.
The habit of American daytime TV talk shows and certain “reality” TV formats (it must be the same in other countries) is to glory in the ugliness and smallness of the sordid lives of ordinary folks and twisted celebrities.
There is a certain schadenfreude in peering into the messed up lived of Elvis, Marylin, Brittany, or Anna Nicole Smith, that sells tabloids and even dominates TV news at times.
Not only do we love to see “how low the mighty (or glamorous, or respected) have fallen,” but the kind of Phil Donahue democratic social discussion TV format quickly devolved into Jerry Springer-style fascination with the trashy lives of ordinary (or extraordinary trashy) slobs. Our fly-like selves have a proven taste for such fare.
What we really need, as you say, is the sturdy trees. We need to hear about, associate with and satisfy the true majestic oaks and giant sequoias. The world needs to learn to appreciate the examples of great liberated devotees, and be inspired that real devotional service is available to all.
On the other hand, we should never pose as great devotees when we are not.
“. . . There are many philosophers who write comments on the Bhagavad-gita but have no faith in Krsna. They will never be liberated from the bondage of fruitive action. But an ordinary man with firm faith in the eternal injunctions of the Lord, even though unable to execute such orders, becomes liberated from the bondage of the law of karma. In the beginning of Krishna consciousness, one may not fully discharge the injunctions of the Lord, but because one is not resentful of this principle and works sincerely without consideration of defeat and hopelessness, he will surely be promoted to the stage of pure Krsna consciousness.”
(B.G. 3.31, Purport)
Of course the “other shoe” drops in the very next verse (3.32), when Krishna warns that those who, out of envy, disregard His injunctions and do not follow them are bereft of all knowledge, befooled, and ruined in their endeavors for perfection. (The old translation used to say, “doomed to ignorance and bondage.” I remember Partha dasa repeating this warning in class at the old Vancouver temple)
Srila Prabhupada writes, “A disobedient person, however great he may be, is ignorant of his own self, and of the Supreme Brahman, Paramatma and the Personality of Godhead, due to a vacant heart. Therefore there is no hope of perfection of life for him.” (B.G. 3.32, Purport.) (“acetasah” can signify “vacant heart”)
In the Purport of 3.31 Prabhupada explains the important principle that those who are truly faithful and not envious of Krishna, even if unable to fully discharge all the injunctions, will surely be promoted to the perfectional stage of purity, due to their sincerity, firm faith and determination.
This is never to be used as an excuse for disobeying the Lord’s injunctions, but it is a testament to the power of devotional service that it can purify even those who are habitually unable to behave properly. (It is reminiscent of the famous “api cet suduracaro” verses, 9.30 – 31.)
Therefore, great devotees preach among the fallen people of this age without being discouraged: if they can become faithful even a little bit, they will eventually become successful.
It may take time for us to come up to the standard, but if we are sincere and persistent, properly associating favorably with the “trees” of advanced devotees and regular practices like continuing to chant, we will reach the goal.
The enemy, lust, has to be curbed by regulation and spiritual intelligence. (3.37-43)
I too had bittersweet experiences of “leaving the temple” (more than once) as a teenager, trying but repeatedly failing to live as a first-class brahmacari.
I am tempted to say that in the “old days” there was not really an option of “living outside.” If you really believed in the truth of what the devotees were teaching, you were expected to basically renounce the world and fully devote yourself to 24-hours bhakti yoga regimen in the ashram. Going “back to school” or getting a “karmi job” entailed a degree of interaction with the world of maya that was just considered too dangerous or even disloyal.
At least, that was how I understood the world of ISKCON through the filters of my own perceptions at the time. While we encouraged people to become life members and to visit and support the temple economically, we really thought that those who were not full-time temple devotees living in the ashram were, in an important sense, outsiders.
Ancient Greek philosophers discussed the problem of “akrazia”, sometimes translated as “weakness of will.” The idea is that a rational person will not do anything he knows to be against his own self-interest, but it is sometimes found that we do things while reporting we know them to be against our self-interest. It must be that at such times we are divided, irrational, vacant-hearted, confused about our true self-interest, frighteningly out of control.
It is in this spirit that Arjuna asks about those unwillingly impelled to sinful acts as if by force. (B.G. 3.36)
In Chapter Two, Krishna had already discussed how a man of “steady intelligence” can keep his senses under full control and restrain them at will without letting them carry away his mind.
In Chapter Three, Krishna explains that everyone must act according to his nature, performing his prescribed duties with the mind and senses under regulation, offering the results to Krishna in sacrifice. He condemns becoming a “pretender” sannyasi before one is truly able to renounce thoughts of sense enjoyment.
Lust has conquered strategic positions in the senses, mind and intelligence, from which it covers our real knowledge and bewilders us. (B.G. 3.40)
“When love of God deteriorates into lust, it is very difficult to return to the normal condition. Nonetheless, Krsna consciousness is so powerful that even a late beginner can become a lover of God by following the regulative principles of devotional service.” (B.G. 4.41, Purport)
This issue of “weakness of will” is, I think, an important one.
It is one thing to theoretically understand that in the perfectional stage one can act like a paramahamsa, doing nothing for sense gratification, spending all one’s energy in full Krishna consciousness, chanting 24 hours a day like Haridas Thakur.
It is quite another thing to really act like that. Few people really have the qualification to do that. Even those who do might be requested by their spiritual masters to do something else. But realistically, only very, very few saintly people in this world can perfectly control all their senses and be engaged in full Krishna consciousness 24 hours a day. It is a gradual process.
My initial understanding of Krishna consciousness was that, once one becomes convinced of the truth of Srila Prabhupada’s instructions, one should not go to school, one should not have a job, one should not get married, one should not acquire house, car, bank account, insurance. Why not just be a blissful brahmacari engaged full time in morning program, sankirtan all day, evening program, a little sleep, a little prasad, and a lot of bliss?
And it is a fact. For someone who can live his or her life that way, that is a very good life indeed. Such a person will be happy in this life and the next. “You may live or die. ”
And after all, as Srila Prabhupada would often say, “What is the difficulty?” “Can’t means won’t.” Krishna consciousness is “simple for the simple.”
But I have found it has not been so simple for me, or I should say, *I* have not been so simple. I wouldn’t, so I couldn’t. Deep down I must not be totally convinced. It is difficult for the crooked, and there is still lust in my intelligence, mind and senses that has been twisting me, covering my true knowledge, burning like fire.
So, I have learned that we each have to find the level of renunciation that is sustainable and steady for us, so we can help and not disturb society.
The process of Krishna consciousness Srila Prabhupada has given is ultra strong. It is not dependent on being a sannyasi or a brahmacari. (And it is better to be a sincere sweeper in the street than a charlatan who makes a living by pretending to be a sadhu.)
In fact, the purpose of sannyas, like any other position in the varnasrama system, is to purify onesself so one can be a devotee. “Samsiddhir hari tosanam.” All the rules of the different asramas and varnas are for pleasing Krishna.