By Dharma-setu das
Karana and I got married on the 5th of January 2002. Since then I have received a lot of valuable advice that has at various times helped me in my marriage. Three recommendations have been particularly useful and have stood the test of time. I’d like to share these with you along with some of the realisations that I have gleamed from them.
1 – “Always Forgive One Another”
Acknowledging our own shortcomings and how they influence our ability to communicate allows us to be accountable to ourselves for the responses we solicit from others. In other words the way our spouse deals with us can often be reflective of the way we deal with them. Seeing how our own shortcomings are contributing to a disagreement facilitates us in being able to say the big “S” word that our false-ego often finds so difficult to say. “I’m sorry for not listening to you properly”, “I’m sorry that this situation has caused so much disturbance in our relationship”, “I am sorry that you are feeling like this, I need some help in understanding what I can do to change this?”, “I feel sorry that we have got to this point, what can we do to turn things around?”. These are some of the big “S” word statements we can use to help resolve an issue.
Srimad Bhagavatam 9.15.40 explains how Krishna is pleased by the practise of forgiveness:
“The duty of a brāhmaṇa is to culture the quality of forgiveness, which is illuminating like the sun. The Supreme Personality of Godhead, Hari, is pleased with those who are forgiving.”
2 – “Become Best Friends”
This is confirmed in Bhagavad-gītā by the Lord Himself: “One can understand Me only through devotional service.” In beginning His teaching of the Gītā, the Lord said to Arjuna, “Because you are My devotee, I shall teach these secrets to you.” Vedic knowledge means ultimately to understand the Supreme Lord, and the process of entering into His kingdom is devotional service. That is accepted by all authentic scriptures.
– Nectar of Devotion, Bhakti-rasāmṛta-sindhu, Chap 14 – Devotional Qualifications
Relating to ones spouse as a servant of Krishna, understanding that their purpose in life is to please Krishna, rather than someone separate from God whose purpose is to satisfy our own needs is a practical implementation of this essential spiritual understanding. My wife/husband is an eternal servant of Krishna trying to reawaken their lost relationship with Him. This philosophical understanding can be practically applied in a marriage. We can ask ourselves, how can I support and encourage the devotional mood and service of my partner? What can I do to support their sadhana and service? To discuss each others spiritual needs and aspirations and support one another in fulfilling them is important.
Aside from direct devotional activities in and around the home it is also important that couples provide one another support. Taking time to listen to each another, to share experiences, and to spend time together are all important components of cultivating a meaningful friendship. Couples that sacrifice spending time together for other priorities, whether they be devotional or otherwise, are likely to become distant from one another over time which can result in all kinds of issues. Relationships take time and effort to maintain, cultivating a meaningful Krishna conscious relationship with your spouse is service. Investing time into your relationship is directly creating and maintaining stability within the Krishna consciousness society. Taking it to an extreme, men or women that are not satisfied within their marriage are likely to try and meet their needs outside of their marriage, causing so much disturbance and unhappiness within society. The maintenance, expansion, and progress of the Krishna consciousness movement is largely dependent on householders – who make up the largest social sector of our movement. For a householder sacrificing the quality of one’s relationship with one’s partner in the name of devotional service is folly.
3 – “Be kind”
Throughout the sastra we find instructions about cultivating kindness towards other living beings, Srila Prabhupada often quoted a phrase from text 6 of Vilāpa-kusumāñjali by Srila Raghunatha das Goswami which describes the characteristic of a devotee.
Para-duḥkha-duḥkhī, kṛpāmbudhir yaḥ. Vaiṣṇava is very kind-hearted, merciful, because he feels for others…
In describing the qualities of a devotee (sadhu) the Srimad Bhagavatam 3.25.21 says:
The symptoms of a sādhu are that he is tolerant, merciful and friendly to all living entities. He has no enemies, he is peaceful, he abides by the scriptures, and all his characteristics are sublime.
The qualities described above give practitioners something to aspire for. Krishna provides opportunities through cultivating our relationships with our family members to develop these qualities. Our spouse is likely to be the devotee that we spend the most time with, and therefore the person that knows our strengths and weaknesses more than anyone else. Supporting one another in spiritual life means providing one another help, encouragement, and guidance when it is needed. To do this takes tolerance, we’ll need to sacrifice our time, energy, and desires to be there for our spouse and children. Our lower natures, which often push us in the direction of trying to be the controller and enjoyer, need to be tolerated in order to act for the higher purpose of acting to please Krishna’s devotees – starting with the devotees we live with. If we mistakenly think that the purpose of our spouse’s existence is our own satisfaction, we will certainly be frustrated. From frustration anger arises. Giving up this kind of false mentality we need to cultivate the knowledge that every living being is part and parcel of Krishna, by relating to our partner as their servant rather than their master. Someone may think that such a service mentality is meant to be directed towards advanced devotees only and my spouse is a neophyte and not worthy of such a service. This type of mentality is not very pleasing to Krishna who loves all His parts-and-parcels. Supporting one another involves fulfilling both spiritual and material needs in a way which is favourable to Krishna’s service. Facilitating the material needs of devotees in a way that is favourable to their progress in spiritual life is an essential and important aspect of service in the grhasta-ashram.
Broadmindedness (born from the knowledge of seeing everything in relationship to Krishna) and long term vision (keeping the goal of pure devotional service in mind) needs to be cultivated on a ongoing basis to maintain an enlivening relationship in Krishna consciousness. This ongoing cultivation is enthused through regular association with devotees and reading of Srila Prabhupada’s books.
Source: http://www.dharma-setu.com/2015/12/helpful-advice-for-marriage.html
I know the validity of modern psychology has been debated on this website. I must admit, although I have a BS in psychology, my faith in it is not strong. But anyway, I wanted to mention a couple of simple techniques for communication which may be helpful in conflicts between couples. One is the use of, “I” statements.
For example, rather than a spouse saying to the other, “You make me feel this way” they say, I feel this way because”. Then blame, which invokes defensiveness, is not assigned to the other, and there is a greater likelihood of mutual exploration, and dialogue, on the cause of the unwanted feeling.
Another technique, which does require a third party, goes like this. One member of the couple will be describing a problem or situation, and an intuitive third party can see the need to stop and ask the other, “what did you hear him/her say. Then the third party asks the original speaker what they meant. By this simple method counselors have uncovered situations where couples have had arguments for years because what was being heard and was not what the other intended to say.
this article is extremely amazing. though written from view point of a grihasta is applicable for any devotee trying to built relationship deeper and meaningful.
thank you so much prabhuji.
Good advice, to which I would add a fourth item; if you are a man, always wash the dishes and the pots. If your wife cooks, and is required to also wash the dishes afterwards, this becomes a drudgery for her. Assist by washing up… never leave dishes in the sink. Do them now. You will have a much happier marriage and get some good exercise.
Haribol
Thnx fr this advice ….Would always try to abide by it
One of the best things that happened to me was that during Covid i lost my paid job, i was going to retire in September that year but Covid struck in March and boom, lost my job. My wife on the other hand was required to keep her job going as it is an essential job.
So i had to rapidly become the house husband. I had to learn things that i did not know existed in domestic life. My appreciation for my wife just grew exponentially. She had been doing all these things i was ignorant of for years without any complaint , nothing, and still smiling and friendly and loving. I just sat down each day when she had gone to work and meditated on how she was Super Wifey. And now over 2/3 years later i am still finding out the volume of Domestic life that i was ignorant about.
So my offering to this dialogue is to swap roles for 6 months and dispel all the ignorance about each other in a marriage of Domestic needs. My eyes have been forced open. And my marriage is the best its ever been and we are the best of friends and share a great sense of humor with each other.
Beautifully said. It’s a great reminder that staying connected to Krishna requires ongoing effort, and that association and reading are key to keeping that spiritual energy alive.
Congratulations on such a long and meaningful journey together! I’d love to hear those timeless pieces of advice—real-life insights like these are always so valuable and inspiring.