By Devaki Devi Dasi<\/p>\n
In many ISKCON communities around the world, devotees often enter married
\nlife without accepting good guidance and advice. Many ISKCON marriages are
\nformed in the kitchen – almost by chance, while cutting up the vegetables.
\nWhen two people find each other without the help of a senior, very easily
\nthey may simply attract each other on the platform of unfulfilled needs. He
\nhas unfulfilled needs and she has unfulfilled needs, and therefore they
\nattract each other like magnets. But this kind of attraction wears off
\nrather quickly, and it does not give a deep and solid enough foundation for
\na marriage in Krsna consciousness. Unfortunately, so often, after a couple
\nof years, the two involved may separate again and thus inflict so much
\nsuffering and pain to everyone involved.<\/p>\n
Srila Prabhupada explains this in the purport to SB, 3.21.27: “The selection
\nof a good husband for a good girl was always entrusted to the parents. Here
\nit is clearly stated that Manu and his wife were coming to see Kardama Muni
\nto offer their daughter because the daughter was well qualified and the
\nparents were searching out a similarly qualified man. This is the duty of
\nparents. Girls are never thrown into the public street to search out their
\nhusband, for when girls are grown up and are searching after a boy, they
\nforget to consider whether the boy they select is actually suitable for
\nthem. Out of the urge of sex desire, a girl may accept anyone, but if the
\nhusband is chosen by the parents, they can consider who is to be selected
\nand who is not. According to the Vedic system, therefore, the girl is given
\nover to a suitable boy by the parents; she is never allowed to select her
\nown husband independently.”<\/p>\n
Of course, these principles are not only there for the girl, but also for
\nthe boy: unless receiving the guidance and advice of seniors, he may also
\naccept an unsuitable girl as a wife – out of the urge of sex desire.<\/p>\n
Recently, the realization struck me that such training, how to enter family
\nlife, should be compulsory for all ashram residence in our communities
\naround the world – especially the brahmacaris. How many times have I
\nobserved a brahmacari become victim of a lady’s desperate search for a
\nhusband?! And thus the saffron butter melts! The brahmacaris don’t receive
\ntraining how to enter grhastha life – of course not, since brahmacaris are
\nnot meant to hear such things! And thus they slide into married life without
\neducation and preparation – not according to Krishna’s recommendations.<\/p>\n
Of course, we can’t blame the ladies for acting as the fire which melts the
\nbutter. As we know, the desire to be married comes along with the female
\nnature and often manifests already in early childhood – just to make sure
\nshe receives the protection she is meant to get. It is according to
\nKrishna’s Divine arrangements. Therefore, she is meant to be protected by
\nthe parents (or senior devotees) who help arrange a suitable husband for
\nher.<\/p>\n
In a letter to Naiskarmi – Bhaktivedanta Manor 28 July, 1973, Srila
\nPrabhupada explains this in all details:<\/p>\n
“In Vedic society no girl was allowed to remain independent and unmarried.
\nIndependence for women means they become like prostitutes, struggling to
\ncapture some man who will take care of her. In this way the so called
\nindependent woman has to work very hard to make herself attractive by
\nartificially wearing cosmetics – mini skirts and so many other things.
\nFormerly the girl would be married to a suitable boy at a very early age,
\nsay six years old. But although a girl was married early she did not stay
\nwith her husband immediately, but was gradually trained in so many ways how
\nto cook, clean and serve her husband in so many ways – up until the time of
\nher puberty. So all the time there was no anxiety because a girl would know
\n– I have got a husband, and the boy would know I have got this girl as my
\nwife. Therefore when the boy and girl would come of age there was no chance
\nof illicit sex-life. And the pychology is the first boy that a girl accepts
\nin marriage, that girl will completely give her heart to, and this
\nattachment on the girls side for her husband becomes more and more strong,
\nthus if a girls gets a good husband – one who has accepted a bona fide
\nspiritual master and is firmly fixed up in his service, automatically the
\nwife of such a good husband inherits all the benefits of his spiritual
\nadvancement. So you are fortunate. Go on in this present attitude, serve you
\nhusband always and in this way your life will be perfect, and together
\nhusband and wife go back home – Back to Godhead.”<\/p>\n
Very often, brahmacaris don’t receive the required guidance when it is the
\nright point in time to enter married life. It is also not in the interest of
\na manager. Every manager likes to see as many brahmacaris in his temple as
\npossible, so therefore he does not like to “disturb” them with this topic.
\nAs a result, brahmacaris sometimes get married when they are 45 or even
\nolder – not an ideal age to start family life. Furthermore, the chance to
\nmove on to the Vanaprastha ashram is already missed. And too often, they
\nslide into an unsuitable marriage arrangement which complicates life
\nfurther. Unfortunately, the change of ashram may even involve an actual
\nfall-down – certainly not an auspicious way of entering family life!<\/p>\n
I am praying for the day, when we can make this shift into the grhastha
\nashram in a cultured way – according to Krishna’s recommendations. Then we
\nwill have more hope for stable and emotionally healthy families. It requires
\nsystematic training and education – already during brahmacari life.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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