My Rupa Prabhu.

My Rupa Prabhu.
Srimati Gopi Gita’s mataji profile link: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1595337419
Gopi Gita: Today commemorates the end of 6 months of Rupa Prabhu’s aggressive chemotherapy treatment – the 5th time cancer had come back and the 5th time it was attacked by heavy drugs.
3 days after FOJ Rathayatra (April 2018), after another intrusive bone marrow biopsy, the doctor confirmed: Yes, cancer was back. We already had some clue – going up the stairs was difficult; blood sugar readings haywire; sharp pain in his bones. Diagnosis? Aggressive chemo for 6 months followed by a low dose for the rest of his life. (Better to keep the cancer at bay, than to weaken organs by the aggressive therapies.)
This ‘rest of the life’ diagnosis at the time felt like a death sentence. For the first week I just felt so sluggish; low motivation to cook or do anything in the home. Rupa Prabhu, on the other hand, felt peaceful to have a solution that would diminish the chances of yet another physical attack on his body.
These past six months have been pretty icky for him. Severe exhaustion, low appetite, digestive issues, excessive sweating til the bed is soaked wet; blood sugar swings and being grumpy. The past three weeks he has experienced so much weakness that falls and drops became a regular occurrence.
Middle of the night falls to the bathroom because maybe there are careless items left on the way, or maybe the bathroom floor is too slippery. Even middle of the day drops simply on the way to the kitchen. Just way too much weakness had set in.
His hands shook so much that cereal bowls full of milk would slip; drops of milk splashed all over the table; laptop; him and the floor underneath. Glass cups have slipped and shattered; tiny smitherines decorating the floor like sharp jewels.
In sheer frustration, he would want to address the mess – but how? With the clumsiness of his legs attacked by cancer; cleaning it is more of a trip. Exasperated he would call for me; apologetic almost. Will she be just more upset because she has enough work already?
“Please don’t feel that way,” I would want to reply. “You are my priority always.” I would try to rush to clean it up with a smile. Why, on top of everything else he has to deal with, would he also have to worry about my reaction? These and many more physical, and medical issues have made me want to scream. When will this be just all over?
But bad days are really easy to fix. Chant japa with my 26 students each morning; play tag with all them in the playground; rush to tickle fest my now-big-men Vraju & Nitai; festival after festival here at Kalachandji Dham; even something as simple as listening to my first graders read beautiful pastimes of Krishna – all this brings such inner happiness. Lucky me to be around happy children all day.
Though physical weakness was the highlight of our past month, Rupa Prabhu’s internal strength has always been at the level of the Roman Gods.
1. He Doesn’t Complain
During this period of 6 months, I haven’t heard one complaint. Because of this, no matter how hard or stressful life gets, I have been reminded by his example to not complain. “How trivial my problem is!” I tell my mind. “There are people all around us struggling with matters of life and death. Why turn molehills into mountains when my Rupa Prabhu knows how to turn mountains into a molehill.”
2. He Gives No Excuses
Not one day since I’ve married him have I heard him play hooky; nor check out of his work duties. Never in the past 15 years, has he said: ‘Omg Gopi I give up; I’m not going to work and I’m not getting up.’ And of all people, he has very much a right to do so. He doesn’t tolerate excuses in our boys (If you commit, you do it. If you’re having a bad day, get through it quickly and get back to work.) Sickness, mental or physical, is not an excuse for him. He works every day, phone conferences with a variety of people, laughing and chatting with his colleagues and buddies in the IT world. Sitting at home, from his bed, he makes 6 times more than me and remains a brilliant communicator and manager with teams all across North America. He’s just so smart and determined. No excuses.
3. He Doesn’t Blame God (or anyone!)
Three months ago he told some friends who were over for dinner: “I never needed to blame Krishna for all this because we know that karma is real and perhaps something in my past life has caused this. Blaming Krishna turns me into a victim and why would I want to be that?” When we read Srimad Bhagavatam as a family, he shares such awesome philosophy with all kinds of verses remembered as a child. His Krishna conscious perspective is honestly the best part of my love for him.
4. He is Happy
My Rupa Prabhu is an intrinsically happy person. These years of illness have not turned him in a grumpy old man. He laughs and jokes regularly; he spends so much time with the boys; he brightens our lives with his sweetness. (Other than when he’s on medication, which yay, it’s over!)
These qualities and way many more, make me realize I have so much still to learn from him. I pray that I do learn to imbibe these qualities every day. Yes, being a caretaker can be tough; and definitely there are some days with too many emotions to process; but the more I live with him, the more I realize, his inner strength is what gives me my strength and support to do the millions of things I’m passionate about.
This post is good news; not being written for worrying any of you; nor for soliciting help in the form of alternative treatment suggestions (we’ve heard and done plenty, thank you); nor for worrying you (my Mommy and Mati are now on Facebook so that’s for them). Like all things in life, there will be good days and bad days. We’re fortunate to have many of you as our friends; and thank you for your love throughout the years.
With the low dose treatment now, maybe the cancer won’t ever come back again. Only Krishna knows. But until then, if we can figure out how to focus on using our strengths to help others turn their bad days into good days, both of our lives will be successful.
Today, chemo is over and done! Yay!! Party time! What a relief.