Jaya Sila das and Vimala dasi – Relationships article
When we find ourselves embroiled in any sort of conflict, Accepting responsibility for our part (however small) can be a tough pill to swallow. Instead of considering our own contribution to the conflict, we are far more likely to focus on how the other person acted, what they said or did, and how it has emotionally triggered us.
We were once attempting to counsel a couple who were having lots of conflict in their marriage. The wife in this case was unable to shift her focus even a fraction from blaming her husband for everything that was going wrong in their relationship. We tried unsuccessfully to get her to consider that she could possibly own, even a small part in the equation, but she was so solidly entrenched in âthe blame gameâ that she couldnât, or wouldnât budge. Even if her husband was more at fault, her âvictim energyâ was totally draining for everyone! We sadly concluded that no amount of counselling would benefit her. We can use simple logic to look at it like this- if itâs all the other personâs fault there is no chance of resolution. End of story. This is totally lose/lose.
Unfortunately our friendâs stance didnât change and her relationship predictably crumbled. She remains consumed with bitterness to this day. Our realisation; itâs easy to blame others…but harder- much harder, to look at ourselves.
In our book âRelationship Rescue Remedyâ, we warn about the perils of getting drawn into the ugly ‘blame game’… the game that nobody wins. We’ve all been there. This is when we find ourselves dwelling on and even painfully dissecting who is at fault…or even who is ‘more’ at fault! This is a hard one for all of us.
However, until we take responsibility for our part in the misunderstanding, we remain stuck in the cycle of attack and defend. Invariably, this culminates in one party assuming the dis-empowered role of the victim. No one wins in this scenario.
Taking responsibility also means being committed to doing whatever it takes to resolve the conflict and get back to that ‘loving place’. This may sound easy enough, but we often need to dig deep and access our higher self in order to work through to the other side.
We ask couples to practice three important principles (briefly summarized here) to avoid becoming a slave to the killer âvictim mentalityâ.
1. Realize that the only person you can change is yourself!
We often want to fix everyone in our life. We start thinking “If only he/she would /couldâŠ(fill in the blank)â. Whenever you go this place, stop and ask yourself this simple but powerful question, âWhile you are trying to fix and run everyone else’s life…who’s running and fixing yours!â
2. Could it be your problem? (at all?)
We have to be brutally honest here. Anytime someone is pointing out your part in the conflict equation, stop and ask yourself what kernel of the accusation could actually bear some truth. Remember, you are not responsible ‘for’ the other person, but you are responsible ‘to’ the other person. This means taking responsibility for how you behave and respond. This is an inward focus and is very powerful.
3. Ask and You shall Receive!
Simple, but profound. If you don’t know what your contribution is- get curious. Simply ask what you may be doing or saying (or failing to do or say). We even discovered when coaching one couple that it could simply be the ‘way’ of doing or saying that can cause the problem.
Word of caution…
When you ask, be prepared to be open and hear without getting defensive. Make sure you have sufficiently ‘Paused and Reflectedâ… Drops 1 and 2 of Relationship Rescue Remedy).
Once you have accepted responsibility for your part in the conflict (however small or large) and are totally committed to working together through your issues, you will experience a most defining ‘aha’ moment. It will suddenly dawn on you that you are both on the same side! You are then left with the ‘problem’ being the problem…and not each other! This is big! Itâs a genuine game changer, releasing you from the insidious attack/defend cycle that we often get stuck in.
We will leave you to digest all of this with a Mahatma Prabhu quote that we found which sums it up nicely!..
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