By Jamuna Devi Dasi (BCS)
How can one really express their short and special journey; traveling with Amekhala during her final months, on the planet, the last and most important journey of her lifetime, the final test?
What a privilege it has been for me to have offered a little service to you in your final months of this illusory life. The pain of losing you has penetrated many hearts. I can not tell you the ache I have in my heart from your departure, and the emptiness I feel, yet I know you are dancing with Krishna and the Lord called you home.
I remember the first time I met you, after your treatment began, in the hospital you had been rushed in due to the severe side effects of the chemotherapy. You felt a hole had burned through your stomach. The pain was excruciating. I remember the painful look you had in your eyes, the suffering state you were in. Having worked with cancer patients before I had to put aside your position as a senior disciple of Srila Prabhupada and walk in as a naturopath and health care professional. I had to explain to you the excruciating pain you were in was because of the erosion of all the gastric mucosa, from the cytotoxic drugs. You were dehydrated, had been so severely sick for days, the look in your eyes. So much pain. It is usually accompanied with fear and terror. I had seen it so many times during my encounters with Oncology. It pierced my heart yet again. Yet you had such strength and were always so positive.
The first question you asked me when I walked in the room was had I ever seen anyone die. It was a hard question to answer, especially to someone in your position. I told you yes I had, Vilasini and another. I told you not to fear and that Krishna would not take you until you were ready and that at the right time you will have no fear.
I knew you would be safe. You have done so much wonderful service, dedicated your life to helping so many souls and Srila Prabhupada. You loved everyone. You were such a wonderful mum, not only to your own kids but to many. I could see the suffering you were in was so severe. I likened it to the time I asked Bhakti Charu Swami how I could ever repay him for all he had done for me and he answered, “Go Back to Godhead.” I thought great. The one thing he wants I don’t know if I can achieve!
Not long after leaving the hospital you nearly died after developing septicemia from your compromised immune system and hospital stay, It was as if Krishna gave you a practice run. The doctors gave you a few hours at most. You went to Srila Prabhupada and Krishna’s realm a few times. You saw two little boys who would laugh and run away. You were told that it was not time yet, but when it was They will be back to get you. You become clear and free of fear, as you realized you were safe and Prabhupada was there. The next day I had been on a seminar learning some new iridology techniques and then I came to the hospital to visit you. That night I saw the cancer in your timeline. It looked like a two year span, but clearly showed whatever happens after, it was going to get a lot better.
I remember saying to you, if you get up there before me to put in a word for me. You looked at me intently and sternly told me I had to work at it for myself. Your words touched my heart. The look in your eyes was so knowing. I could see your realization and your glance looked directly threw me.
We talked a lot during those last few months. I so wanted and hoped you would get better. I saw so much of myself in you the more we talked. It seemed like we had many similar life experiences. As we talked you revealed so much. I saw your love for Srila Prabhupada growing and you became fearless and unaffected by all your pain.
You understood that if Krishna wants to kill you no one can save you, and if Krishna wants to save you no one could kill you. You knew you were safe and your fate was in Krishna’s hands. Everything was up to the will of the Lord and already planned. There was nothing to fear.
I kept a hope deep in my heart that you would get well and we could have more of your wonderful association for many years to come. You did get better, but not in the way I desired. Your joy and happiness is now more than any of us could have imagined. You have returned to Srila Prabhupada and Krishna’s lotus feet, basking in the rays of our beloved Lord.
I feel bad that I couldn’t do more for you. At times I feel like I let you down. My own life took over. Keeping afloat in this material world can be demanding at times. I remember on several occasions you talked and said that it could be the last time I would see you. On my final visit before you left to go to Mexico, I never believed it would be the last time we would have words, or see you in a conscious state.
For us this illusion still goes on, days, months, years, who knows how long our journey will continue. Life will never be the same for those of us who have been left behind. From material perception it seems so cruel and hard. Why does Krishna design this material world in such a challenging way? Why is exiting this realm so tough? You may have left this illusory existence but in my short journey with you, you taught me so much. You showed us how to live, to keep faith, and to realize the potency of following Srila Prabhupada’s teachings. You set a fine example to your beloved Spiritual Master. You passed the final test so gracefully and sweetly. I thank the Lord for allowing me to do a little service for you. I only wish I could have done more. No matter how heavy-hearted and sad I feel, I hope that the lessons you taught me will remain with me, deep in my heart. Your suffering inspired me to keep writing to help and educate those facing the trials you passed in such a dignified way. I still have more to write about the wonderful lessons you taught me. I’m still hoping you will put in a word for me. I will miss you always.
Your aspiring servant,
Jamuna Devi Dasi (BCS)