Memories Of Citra Devi Dasi

By Gaurangi dasi

This article is a compilation of the memories of Citra Devi, who quit her body in New Mayapur, France, at the end of July. Hridaya Caitanya Prabhu posted a letter explaining the circumstances of her departure, by burning herself. It would be good that devotees who have read this letter remember her in other ways also, by the services she rendered so faithfully and lovingly for almost 20 years.

The following article is a condensed version of the memories of Citra Devi that devotees shared the day of the ceremony we did in her honour in New Mayapur, France, on Sunday July 26. A few devotees who were not present also added their testimony. There are also a few dreams and murti stories that Citra Devi had shared with me.
Hridaya Caitanya Prabhu, the GBC for France, wrote a letter on Dandavats.com explaining the circumstances of Citra Devi’s departure from this world on July 23, 2010.
Your servant, Gaurangi dasi

Very determined and fixed up in her services to the Deities and Tulasi Devi

Tested as soon as she joined the temple

Concepcion Gomez – originally from Spain – arrived in New Mayapur about twenty years ago. At the time she was young and pretty, in her late twenties, and was wearing colourful saris and much jewelry. She was tested as soon as she arrived in the temple when the man she came with left very shortly after. She was faced with the choice to either leave with him or stay with the devotees. Despite the fact that she was very attached to him she decided to stay.

Kalakanthi dasi : “I knew Citra Devi from the beginning because I joined just after her.
We had a close relationship at that time because, as we were making garlands together, and she talked to me a lot about her life and all kinds of things. When she had to choose between her lover and Krishna, she told me ‘I want to be a good devotee’, and she kept repeating this all the time.”

No question of her saying “No”

At the beginning she was making all the garlands for all the murtis by herself – a total of six large ones and four small ones- after having picked the flowers herself.
Kalakanthi dasi : “I always recall how in the dead of winter, when there were no more flowers to pick up outside to make garlands, I used to ask her, ‘Citra, what do we do today?, and she would reply, “Mix color!”. And we started to laugh together. During that period we suffered together, as there was no means to do anything. She was already isolated.”

Visesa dasi: “Not long after she got initiated and started to do puja on the altar. Citra Devi has always been very fixed up and regular , and we did not have to worry whether she would come or not to do her service. After her morning pujari services were over, she never went to rest again. All the other devotees wanted to have a free day, but Citra Devi never wanted a break, something I rarely saw during all the years I spent in New Mayapur. Once she had developed a disease, a fibroma, and the doctor had sent her to the hospital for an emergency operation. After which she quickly resumed her service, as there was no question of her saying, ‘No, I cannot do it.’ A few years after she joined she put on the white sari of a renunciate Vaisnavi, shaved her head, and discarded her jewelry. “

Gauda Mandala das : « For many of us Citra Devi was the exemple of a fixed up devotee, nistha. We can make up many stories about our spiritual advancement, but nistha is somebody who is very fixed up, who never miss their sadhana or their devotional service.”

Citra Devi was indeed very determined to do her service to Krishna Balarama and the other deities in all circumstances. Without missing a single day in more than twelve years she was taking excellent care of around 30 to 50 tulasi plants, even when it was very cold. When she dressed Krishna and Balaram, her favourite murtis, everything was first class. They always looked wonderful, with elaborate turbans and matching jewelry. Devotees really appreciated the colourful drawings she was painting on Their forehead or cheeks: attractive patterns of dots, flowers, birds, fishes, or whatever designs matched the outfit of the day. Once she painted very large cows on Krishna’s cheeks and forehead to match the Cow Outfit.

More serious tests: a broken hip and the Parkinson disease

Visesa dasi: “A few years ago, she broke her hip and had another operation. I thought it was going to be terrible for her, and that she would be totally crushed because of not being any longer able to dress Krishna and Balarama, her favourite deities. When I went to visit her at the hospital, she was not depressed, she had accepted things as they were. When she came back to the temple we wanted to put her in the large and comfortable sannyasis’ room, but she did not want to go there. She preferred to stay in her tiny room which did not even have a bed or a mattress – we had offered her one before, but she had preferred to sleep on her mat with a few blankets. She was very austere with her body, but she finally accepted to move to the sannyasis’ room so the chiropractor could properly take care of her. As soon as she was able to she started to make garlands again sitting at the desk there. Later on we reorganised the pujari room behind the altar, and put a high table so she could sit on a chair while dressing the small deities of Radha Govinda Madhava and bathing the Govardhana sila. “

About four years ago she developed the Parkinson disease, a crippling disease characterized by muscle spasms and rigidity, tremors, slow movements and loss of control over many parts of the body. The doctor had told Citra Devi that happily her brain had not been touched.
Visesa dasi: “Even though she was very handicapped – she could not walk properly and her hands were trembling all the time– she was doing more service than everyone else.
In winter I was telling her, ‘Do not go outside to pick up leaves for the garlands, you may break your other hip. We’ll send someone to pick them for you.’ She was very stubborn and refused our offer, but eventually accepted it. Citra Devi was very responsible. This year she did not go to India because last winter, while she was in the dhama, most of the tulasi plants she was caring for had died. She said she would go if the weather was fine and if there was no danger for tulasi.

The past few years Citra devi was faithfully caring for the many tulasis and making her three small garlands- one for the small Radha Krishna, one for Giriraj and one for Nrsimhadeva, despite her hands that were constantly shaking. Devotees were amazed and wondered how she could manage, especially pulling the thread through the needle. Even in that condition she was still making beautiful embroideries on the napkins for the Deities. Once she had told Sita Thakurani, “You must be very attached to do your service no matter what”. She demonstrated that herself by making her garlands till the very end: she brought them in the pujari room the very morning of her departure.

A corner of Vrindavana in New Mayapur

Besides taking care of the deities on the altar, Citra Devi also took care of her own deities in her room. She had many, a small set of Radha Krishna, one of Gaur Nitai, a few others, and about twenty salagram silas, including two of Giri Govardhana, which a brahmana from Radhakund had given her. With her Radha Krishna deities and her Govardhana silas she had created Vrindavana in New Mayapur, and she lived in that world. Even with her hip problem and her Parkinson disease, she had gone to Nepal last year with two French vaisnavas to get more salagram silas. Lalita Madhava das: “At that time things were hot in Nepal, and other devotees had been arrested by revolutionaries, who wanted money from them. Happily, everything went fine for us; we took a special small plane from Katmandu to the Gandaki river, where we can find the silas. Citra Devi knew how to recognize the different salagram silas. She picked up about a dozen; she gave most of them to devotees, and kept two for herself.”

Other services in the temple

Citra Devi’s role in the temple was not limited to puja, garlands and caring for tulasi.
Mathura Vrindavana  dasi: “At one time I was also living in the castle in a room that was not far from hers. Once I had made leek soup, and she came to see me to ask me never to cook leeks in the temple again. I don’t think it bothered her personally, but she probably did not want that smell in the temple. So I never cooked leeks again in the castle. Later on, whenever I happened to do some in my own home, I would always think of her.”
Gauda Mandala das: “Every morning I used to walk in front of the table where she was making her garlands. She always had something very precise to say, ‘The temple has not been cleaned since two days, etc’ She was the gardian of the East. She always knew whatever happened in the temple, whether everything was in proper order, even while remaining in her room upstairs. Even though she was keeping the maha burfi in her room, she never ate any of it; she would distribute it to the devotees and would wait till someone offered her some.”

Self-satisfied, reserved, and hiding her suffering

Visesa dasi: “We’ve been working together in the pujari room since twenty years. We had a few quarrels together, but it was exceptional; it passed very quickly and we became friends again. I thought that she was telling me everything, but it was not the case, and I had no idea of what was going to happen. She was very self-satisfied, reserved. We could not know what went on in her world. I was very open with her, but she did not confide in me completely. I admired her for being able to stay alone, because I’m not capable of doing it myself. When I asked her how she managed on her own, she used to say, ‘I do like that, and if I feel too lonely I just go downstairs. I like my peace of mind.’
I’m very affected by what happened, she was such a close person. We have not been able to see her suffering. I have a shock when I go through the garden, as I have the feeling that I’m going to see her with the little plastic bag into which she was putting her flowers.”

Many wonderful Vaisnava qualities

Enjoying talking about Krishna

Each time Columbian-born Padasevana das visited New Mayapur he spoke in spanish with her for a little while. “With Citra devi, I could talk about Krishna, which is not the case with all the devotees. We also talked about her silas, and she always asked me news of the few tulasi plants she had given me over the years.” Several devotees said that when they approached Citra Devi, they felt some obligation to think about Krishna and talk about Him.
Caitanya Bhagavata das : « Whenever I would pass by her, I could not help but greet her with respect, as I felt she was deeply absorbed in meditation.  Sometimes I asked her, ‘How are you doing, Citra Devi?’ and she would reply, ‘All right’. Even though we all knew bout her problems, she did not talk about them. She was very self-effacing and discreet person. I was fascinated by her because I had the impression she was coming from another planet. Citra Devi was very intelligent, she saw and understood everything. He was deeply linked to Krishna.” Citra devi’s service to Krishna was indeed all her life. Devotees felt her very detached from her body and from this material world, and she never thought of going back there . Trying to use all her talents in His service, she also did nice paintings and drawings she would sell to get money for her trips to India.

The incarnation of austerity

Citra devi was the incarnation of austerity, which she exhibited in many ways and occasions.
At the beginning she was staying in the same room with Madana Manjari and Kalakanthi, who recalls, “Every morning Citra Devi was getting up à 3 am, and she was switching the light on all of a sudden, which was a shock for Madana Manjari, who was shivering with cold, and me, who was pregnant at the time, but Citra Devi did not back up for anything, sleep or cold.”
Gaurangi dasi : “ When I was seeing the tiny room in which she lived , without a mattress or heating – there was a kind of hole in the floor gathering heat from the pujari room below, but it was insufficient in the freezing cold of winter- I was impressed and a little scared at the same time. I don’t know how she managed to live in that tiny space with her altar and many silas, with just a small shelf for her clothes and books and a corner for her mat and blankets . It would have been a tremendous austerity for me to live like that, but it did not bother her, she was so absorbed in her service. She never seemed concerned or affected by all the problems, revolutions and changes constantly taking place in New Mayapur. One president was following the previous one, but Citra Devi was still doing her service, no matter who was the new leader.” When she was in Vrindavana, she would sometimes stay in very austere ashrams where widows were staying. One devotee recounted how at the beginning of one Vraja Mandala Parikrama she had sprayed her ankle very badly, and blood was flowing. He thought that the parikrama was over for Citra Devi, but, as a perfect yogini, she continued. She limped during the entire parikrama because of her injured and swollen ankle and refused to take the jeep for sick devotees. She must have had a very tough time during the whole month of the parikrama, but she was very determined to do it. “

Caring for devotees and animals

As a genuine devotee Citra Devi also loved Krishna’s devotees; she was always kind to them, and showed she was thinking about them by giving them in a loving way little packs of maha burfi or cookies. Whenever Citra Devi was asking Syamasakta dasi how she was doing, it was not just an empty formula. Syamasakta really felt that Citra Devi was very sincerely concerned about her and that she did care.

Kalakanthi dasi : “When Mira was a baby, very often it was Citra Devi who would pick her up from under the bed where she had crawled while I was doing service in the backroom. One day I was so tired that I fell asleep and did not hear Mira even though she was screaming right in my ears. Citra Devi came to take care of her. When I woke up, she was standing there, with Mira in her arms, comforting her. Then she left without putting on airs, as if it was the most natural thing to do “

Kalavati dasi told the following story, which further illustrates Citra Devi’s caring mood and humility: “This happened in New Mayapur at the beginning of May of this year. It was very cold in the castle, around 13°C, because the central heating system had been stopped in the spring. As I was expecting my seven year old grandson Shyam to come stay with me for a couple of days, I had started a fire in the wooden stove in Srila Prabhupada’s room. That’s where I installed him with his books and computer while I was getting ready to go on the altar to do the 6 o’clock offering and the evening arati. When I was showered, clean and dressed, ready to go, Shyam arrived in my room with a funny look on his face and an unusual wa y to walk. His pants were half pulled up and he looked very embarrassed. The bad smell emanating from him made me understand the problem, but since I had to go on the altar right away, I gave him clean clothes and directed him to the shower, telling him to manage by himself.
As I was going down the stairs I met Citra Devi in front of the toilet’s door, and she showed me the big mess Shyam had just done. There was stool everywhere, on the floor, on the toilet bowl, etc. I asked her whether she would mind closing the door and putting a note on the door, and told her I would clean up the mess after my service on the altar. In the evening, when I went to the toilets to do my “duty” I was very surprised to see that the toilets were super clean, spic and span. I could not believe my eyes. When I saw Citra devi the next day, I asked her if she had cleaned the toilets, and she said “yes” in all simplicity. I thanked her, but she answered in a light and amused tone, ‘Bah! No problem! I’m used to do it! With Jagannath (another young boy) it happens all the time, and it’s always me who ends up cleaning his mess. ‘ I could not believe my ears! I would never had thought that such a clean pujari could have done such a thankless task, especially that it was not her responsibility. These are the kinds of small details which Krishna notices, more than all the rest. I’m sure she will get His mercy; Krishna sees the good and the efforts one makes, and Citra Devi did tons of them. “

Citra Devi also loved animals, particularly cats, and we have many of them in New Mayapur. Visesa dasi: “When she chanted her rounds outside, the cats would follow her, because she was taking care of them. I heard that at times she was taking some of them to her room to show them her many salagram silas. Sometimes though she was saying that she had to get detached from these cats.”

Asking for forgiveness to the devotees before her departure

After Citra Devi’s departure, devotees started to talk about her, and many said that she had asked them forgiveness for her offenses.
Gaurangi dasi : « Two days before she left, on the vyasa-puja day of my Guru Maharaja, she was sitting at her table making her garlands, and she asked me to forgive her for her offenses. I was wondering why she was doing it at that time since we did not have a quarrel or a misunderstanding recently, which very rarely happened between us anyway. I just put my arms around her shoulder, reassuring her that she could not commit offenses. As I was very busy that day, I did not think more about it, until later when other devotees told me she had done the same thing with them. I then understood that she was planning to go for good.”
Sita Thakurani dasi : «  I quarrelled with Citra Devi many times, but she always told me things with love. Two days before quitting her body she asked me to forgive her. She said, ‘Sometimes I’m cold and distant, maybe I’m offending the devotees. By seeing Citra Devi asking for forgiveness, I told myself I should also do the same and ask the devotees forgiveness for my offenses…. In fact, by asking devotees to forgive her offenses, she was doing it for the act she was about to do which would have consequences for them.”

About a month ago a visiting Vaisnavi asked Citra devi if she was not suffering too much with her disease that was getting worse. Citra Devi had replied, “I don’t think about it, I think about Krishna.” However, despite her austere tendencies, her strong attachment to Krishna and her services, Citra Devi had also confided in someone that she needed a friend. To another one, she had expressed her anxiety of not being able to do much service any more. She probably knew that as her Parkinson disease would progress, she would be able to do less and less and would need someone to take care of her many hours every day. Not too long ago one devotee taking care of old people had offered to help her if she needed, but Citra Devi had declined her offer.

Devotees’ thoughts and feelings

Raymond (A friend of the devotees) : « I did not know Citra Devi very well from a human point of view, because we just greeted each other cordially; however, I knew her very well as a spirit soul. A few days ago, I had come to New Mayapur, and I had crossed Citra Devi on the stairs outside. As usual, we greeted each other with a ‘Haribol’ and ‘How are you?’ This time, however, I had the feeling that she would soon leave this world. Whenever I would meet Citra Devi in the castle, it was not anymore the ‘Domaine d’Oublaise’ , it was the ‘Nouvelle Mayapura’. Citra Devi was representing the typical inhabitant of Vrindavana. I could not help but see her like that; this thought was imposed in my mind, without my will being able to change it. Citra Devi did not evoke the image of a worldly person. She was a nun, a sadhu.”

Gaurangi dasi : «Citra Devi, the way you left your body is forcing us, the devotees living in or around New Mayapur, to reconsider our real priorities: to really take care of all those who have taken shelter of Krishna, accompany them in their trials, mourning, diseases, joys and pains. It is also what pleases Him the most. Citra Devi, you were not the only one to feel lonely in this community. How many suffer from isolation and the feeling of not being valued and appreciated, and take shelter of things detrimental to their spiritual lives? What is the most important in a community? Its walls, its number of hectares and buildings, or its members? Some of us have their family, or their little circle of friends, but overall it’s pretty much everyone in their own little corner. How many times do we invite each other for prasadam, to watch a devotional movie together, or just to know each other better?
Yes, I know, we are all very busy with our services, jobs and families, and many of us are getting old and tired. We’re just a small group of devotees trying to take care of a huge project and many deities. But it does not take much to show a little sympathy : give a phone call to see if everything is all right, share a quote or a realisation, lend a book, a CD or a DVD (useful for our spiritual life of course) , offer some flowers or vegetables from our garden, or just say a few words of appreciation. Asking for forgiveness after having had some harsh words or gestures costs only a little sacrifice to our false ego, but it’s so hard to do it.
So now, Citra Devi, in memory of you, let’s all try to make a difference, however small it may seem, for all the devotees still alive around us. Let’s give them our flowers while they can still smell them. ”

Mathura Vrindavana dasi : «  To be able to love each other, to really be here for each other, these things come up all the time, and I know why they do. It’s because it is the greatest challenge we are facing in fact. In itself it’s not an enormous challenge to distribute many books. But the daily challenge of loving the person who is right next to us, with his mind and all his weaknesses, it is the greatest challenge. I dare to hope that if there had been more love between ourselves – let’s for a moment imagine this community producing more love- that Citra Devi would still be with us today.”

Dream and stories of murtis told by Citra Devi

The desire trees of Goloka Vrindavana

One night I was dreaming that I was seeing trees made of crystal, desire trees. They were amazing. I got closer to these trees, and on the same tree I could see all kinds of different flowers. There were thousands of flowers, all shining and effulgent. When I looked on the ground I also saw many things shining there. I was telling myself it was not real, it was then that I realized it was Goloka Vrindavana.

I saw the small murtis of Radha Krishna shed tears

In 1996 there were not enough pujaris to take care of the murtis on the altar. So the temple council decided to take the small Gaura Nitai to Poland; and they even thought of putting to rest, for good, the small deities of Radha Krishna. The day they had taken that decision, even though I still was not aware of it, I saw the small murtis of Radha Krishna shedding tears, and I was wondering what was going on. Only later on did the devotees told me that the small
Gaura Nitai had to leave for Poland. At that moment I thought that Radha Krishna had been sad to see Gaura Nitai leave.
The day when Gaura Nitai were supposed to go, the arms of the small marble Krishna broke at the place where they had been glued, as they had been broken before. But it was a Monday, and all the stores were closed around, we could not even buy some glue. So the devotees left the small Radha and Krishna with His arms broken, and put Them to bed all day long. Seeing everybody crying, I understood that Krishna was trying to tell us that if we put Him to sleep, everybody would be sad and cry. So I told the temple council that I did not agree with their decision of putting the small deities to rest. I had to insist a lot, and finally they decided not to do it. I thanked Krishna a lot.

Krishna et Balarama also feel heat and cold

This happened during a very cold winter. That night there had not been any heating in the temple for the murtis, and I was thinking They might have been very cold. In the morning I touched the hand of Balarama, and it felt warm like a real live hand; at that moment all the hairs on my arms stood on end, and I realized that Balaram was a normal person. It’s the only time I had that kind of experience.

Another time it happened on a hot summer day, about fifteen years ago. I was on the altar with Anupama Dasi, a Polish devotee. That day the devotees had put a velvet outfit on the Deities, and I asked Anupama to remove the velvet shirt because it was too thick. She replied that we should keep it because it was going to rain. The weather was very hot that day, and when I undressed Krishna and Balarama in the evening I saw that Krishna’s armpits were soaked with perspiration. I called the other pujaris to show them what happened, but they all thought I was joking. They all put their hands to see if it was true they also noticed that He was wet everywhere, especially under His arms and on His head. When they saw it was true they were all very amazed. In fact Krishna’s head perspired like that almost all summer long. He was all shiny, and He even had drops of sweat.

Sri Sri Krishna Balaram ki jaya!
All glories to Citra Devi Dasi, Their dedicated servant!