Butter Thief
By inmate Burl Dees
By Bhakti-lata dasi
It is with excitement that I am informing you of an addition to our “Inmate Contributions” section on the IPM Website. The new addition is entitled “Whole letters from Inmates” (http://iskconprisonministry.us/taxonomy/term/61).
We usually post only excerpts from letters, but recently I have received such inspiring letters that I decided to share them in their entirety (except from some technical details such as new rules in their institution and the like). These are the kind of letters which fuel my desire to continue dedicating myself to this service. I hope you find some inspiration as well.
Below is the new material just posted on our IPM website.
9-11-10
Dear Bhakti-lata, Hare Krsna!
All glories to Srila Prabhupada!
All praise to IPM!
Please accept my humble respects and obeisances.
You asked about the Krsna book, what is my favorite pastime up to now. I really like the “butter thief.” In fact, it is one of the pastimes that bring tears welling up in my eyes. I know that for those who do not “get it”, that the idea of a person relating to God as a friend, parent, or lover is appalling. Some would even see it as blasphemous! I actually feel badly for these blind folks. God can be so much more than a “father”, (a Santa Claus), though Father is accurate as well. No, I understood perfectly how a person could relate to Him as a parent after reading of the Butter-thief pastime. Love it! It makes me want to grab Him up and hug Him. I can’t help it, it just does. I mean, anyone who has ever had kids can relate to this, can’t they? And it just goes to prove that what I have long believed to be the truth is true after all; that God is, or can be, mischievous. Not in a mean or hurtful way, but for His own reasons that we might not ever fathom, or just for the delight of it. I mean, if you doubt this, just look at some of His creations here on this planet. Like the duck-billed Platypus. What is up with that anyway? It’s like one could almost hear Krsna laughing, saying, “Hey, watch this, guys.” So I love the Butter thief. I want to be like mother Yasoda and chase Him myself. It makes my heart swell up, just like a parent would. And I know that some would shrink at that feeling being directed towards God, but too bad for them. I cannot help it and I make no apologies for it. It makes me want to cry. I am a man, not a sissy or a wimp. But I can admit to you, my friend that the Butter thief gets to me. If some cannot feel this way towards God, then the worse for them.
Another pastime I like is the one where Mother Yasoda looks in Krsna’s mouth and sees all of existence. Wow. Big wow! In fact, this one gives me chills. Really, can you even begin to imagine? It makes goose bumps pop up on me. Almost makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. If this one does not affect a person, then what would? I read of this and I want to fall on my face and close my eyes and pray that Krsna does not discard this insignificant speck that I am.
But the one that really does it is the one that, as a neophyte, I am told I should not try to delve on. That is, the rasa dance. Now, bear with me a moment. I know that it is strange (to Westerners anyway), that one could relate to God as a lover. I have begun to get a glimpse of the different ways a person can relate to Him. And I believe that this is a good thing for me. A bit of progress, perhaps. Still, the whole “conjugal love” thing throws me, as I am certain it has many others. I mean, some of the gopis were married, and here they are, cavorting in the woods all night, clothes falling off, feeling “lust” and such. And Krsna was only about 10 years old, correct? Now, I understand why they say that that mystery should not be looked at too deeply until one is a bit further along. Still, here is why the rasa dance is so special to me.
There is something about it –something ancient and dreamy and complete- that strikes a chord inside me. It’s like it is something that I have seen before, but have forgotten. Or something very, very old and necessary and it just IS. Honesty, I have thought about how to tell you this, but it is not very simple to do. It just seems that that moment in existence has always been, and will always be. That the rasa dance has always happened, that it is happening –right now, at this moment- and that it will always go on. We have all seen the nice paintings of Krsna in the midst of the gopis, the moonlight and the water. It just seems primeval and so familiar at the same time. It’s like it is something that is just out of reach, something right on the very edge of my mind. I can almost touch it, but when I try, it slips out of reach. Whatever it is, it touches something inside me. It’s special, and its beauty almost takes my breath. Now, I start looking at the whole conjugal/married/group/minor child thing and it destroys it. The rasa dance, with eternity welling up within it, is gone. The bubble burst. It turns ugly. And, as a result, I choose not to look at the rest. I do not expect you to waste your time in trying to explain such an advanced concept to this ignorant neophyte either. My only reason for mentioning this was to tell you of which pastimes I enjoyed most. The rasa dance is special. It’s like a beautiful piece of art that is so fragile. Like spun glass. I try to touch it, and it’s gone. There is something there. I don’t have a clue what it is or why it strikes me so, but it is a mystery and somehow I (us, we, the living entities) is at the heart of it. Or rather, Krsna is, and we are the dancers.
I appreciate every much your willingness to mail my beads to me. However, I do not think that you would be able to get through. The problem is the chaplain. He has some sort of personal problem with our faith. I have accepted it, for the most part. It is disappointing, and sad, and so unnecessary. But it’s his karma that will suffer I suppose, not mine. My job is to do the best I can, not allow his karma to seep into mine, and continue to chant, regardless. I am in the “Bible Belt” and this is just how it will be. That is OK. I see it as a lesson and a blessing from Krsna. After all, it only gives me a chance to demonstrate my determination. It is a good method in keeping me humble. And, I have Krsna; what need have I of anything else? I have read that Lord Caitanya used His fingers, and I am honored to be allowed to use the same method. Perhaps someday my japa will be blessed by Mother Tulasi, but till then, I am grateful to just have a voice to speak the names of God with. Hare Krsna!
The bigotry of little men only serves to make me stronger. Perhaps this is what Krsna intends? Anyway, enough about that. (“I am Krsna’s and Krsna is mine!” Period.)
About japa, my chanting is going well, but not consistent. This bothers me. In truth, often my voice gets tired. Then I start slurring the names. Or my mind wanders and I get frustrated. A common problem, I expect. I am not consistent with the amount, however, and that too is frustrating. Sometimes I get in as many as 12 rounds, and I promise myself to do the rest, but, regardless of the movies or popular ideas of what it’s like, our days [in prison] are often hectic, and despite my best intentions, I fail. I have a job now and I work in the laundry, and I have been going to rehabilitation classes, so I have been real busy. But that is only an excuse, and I know it.
Some days, honestly, I just don’t feel like doing anything. I work, I go to class, then all I want to do is just go to sleep and get away from this place for a while.
Then, at other times, my chanting seems to just soar! It’s like I am flying, or moving into some other place. I feel surrounded by the power of Krsna or love or something that is totally perfect and fine.
I just do not know why I have good japa and bad japa and I see it as a weakness and failure on my part, as if I am failing Krsna and Prabhupada at the same time. This is one reason I really like to read your reflections. I t gives me a chance to peek inside the mind of an experienced devotee. I see that, often, you too have your “moments” and struggles, and it makes me feel better to know that it is normal and I am not some sort of freak or washout or something. I do not want to be rejected by Prabhupada; that would be worse than anything I could ever think of. I just think that, if an experienced devotee such as yourself can have struggles, then what to speak of a neophyte like me?
The “good” days I have with japa are so awesome. The “bad” days are repugnant to me. But at least I recognize it, and I am getting a taste for the names. I just get so disgusted with my own failures and limitations. Often I get revved up and feel like I could chant like Haridas Thakura (not really, but you get the simile), and other days I allow Maya to get me.
Lots of times, however, I chant silently to myself, in my mind. Like at work, or going to work or chow. We are not allowed to speak in the hallways. I do not actually keep track of these, because I am not using my voice. I just sort of try to keep it going in my mind, I suppose, for comfort, and to protect my thoughts. The names also give me peace and make me feel safe in this most dangerous environment.
You related, in your letter, a few incidents of how Krsna has “came through” and helped other prison bhaktas. I was sort of uplifted by these events. Thank you. It makes me feel that, despite my shortcomings and failures, I am on the right track. I was especially pleased by the inmate who was in solitary and somehow, though the Lord’s mercy, received a BTG. I am familiar with solitary. Though I have never been housed there, I know what it’s about, and him getting any type of reading material is amazing. And, yes, I feel watched over. It’s really a fine feeling, to be plugged into the Truth and being cared for. I suppose that I am sort of like an unruly child, and Krsna is allowing me to touch the stove after being told repeatedly not to touch it. Though disobedient, and burned by my own actions, He still loves me and keeps me from getting really hurt. Though burned, I am not totally consumed, and He is the reason. What a fool I have been for so long. Thank you Lord, for allowing me to be a fool and come to prison so that I might settle down and listen long enough to hear the Truth.
Earlier in this letter, I brought up the subject of Krsna being a person. I will admit that this teaching was a bit difficult. At first, anyway.
I always just thought of Him as formless. That is, way too big and grand for a “form” of any kind. I have read theological papers and arguments of man and his concept of God as anthropomorphic. And I have read discussions on the various differences between Jnani, Bhakti, and Para Bhakti. This and the unfortunate fact that I have taken college courses in comparative religion have not helped me in my search for the truth. Quite the opposite, in fact. Man has made complicated what is so very simple. I was hindered, to say the least.
However, I have come to the point that God (Krsna), in human form, understanding my own emotions and feeling the same, choosing to relate to me in this form, to be one of the most comforting things that I could ever imagine. Once I began to try to accept it, the Absolute as a Person is so touching that the thought of it is making tears blur my vision, even as I write this.
Krsna is without a doubt the all in all. Is it not true that everything is God? I mean there is nothing outside of God- because there is no “outside?”
The truth, I have found- at least in my own pathetic, and limited understanding of it- is that it is quite impossible for me to practice real and lasting love and service to God, without relating to Him as a person. My mind can, on an intellectual level, contemplate some type of all powerful Being at the center of everything, but it is difficult, if not impossible, for me to feel real love for such a being. Not to be irreverent, but I would have a tough time falling head over heels in love and feel total devotion for a formless cloud of gas.
How sublime is this path to the Absolute that we have been given! The Being that is so great and beyond limits, who is everything that is- who is even the energy that holds the atomic particles in place- chooses to relate to us in human form!
I am a fool. All the studies I have done in my life, all the schooling, all the reading and searching and such, was so much hot air. It was right in front of my face the whole time.
You see, that is one reason that I have struggled with some of the things I have read in the sastras. I have done too much reading for my own good. I thought I was reasonably intelligent, but I am not. Honestly, I wish I could go live in a temple for a while, do some menial chore- clean toilets, scrubs pots and pans, or whatever- and not have to think. I have done a fair bit of reading on KC and still my own mind is my worst enemy.
But Krsna, as the Butter thief, as the child with all existence in His mouth, as the killer of Kamsa, as the jewel in the midst of the gopis in that timeless rasa dance, just blows my mind.
But most importantly, the thought that God- Krsna- wants and misses His relationship with me, really messes me up. I mean, that does it. You wrote that in your letter and it broke me down. It’s too much for me to absorb. Who am I? I am nothing. And yet, He is willing to meet me and misses me? That is too much.
Anyway, I suppose that my point is that I am making some sort of progress, though I cannot say how much, of if it’s in the right direction. I am glad I have your association to bounce this stuff off; otherwise I suppose I’d just founder. God as a Person. Wow!
You asked if I got the BTG about Lord Nrsimha? Oh, yes! Once again, what seems a coincidence occurred. I was reading in the SB about Hiranyakasipu and his foolish attempts at destroying Prahlada, when the BTG arrived. Boom! There He was! My Protector Himself! It even had a nice center pic of Him and I have it where I can see it every day. I cannot live through a single moment of the day in this cesspool without Him. You know how I feel? I feel like a child around a stranger. A child, when it meets a stranger, or is put in a new situation, will hide behind his parents. He will peek around his parents’ legs, feeling comfort hiding behind mommy and daddy, his guardians. Well, this is how I feel. In fact, the feeling is so close to it that I feel like a child at the sight of His image. I am finished and destroyed without Him.
The first thing I think about, each morning, is Krsna. I am a pathetic failure in my japa. An inconsistent lout. I disgust myself, actually. And I have “studied” so much mundane “science” and theology that it has made me a fool and an oaf. Yet, the first thought on my mind in the morning is Krsna. Funny, huh?
I confuse myself with useless arguments, question things that should be so simple, and I do not have a single clue about the first thing regarding devotion and service to God. But I actually shed tears and fall on my knees at the sight of Lord Nrsimhadeva. Something is happening to me. I am changing. Perhaps just a little, but I am not the same as I was. Oh, I am no great devotee. I am not initiated (though I hope to be); I am not even qualified to be in association with real, experienced devotees. I know my faults, and they are so many. But the original Person, Krsna, must be doing something with this rotten old convict, because it’s changing me from the inside.
Thank you for the small bundle of nice books. They will be perfect to use to preach with. It is such a struggle, in this place. So many do not want to hear anything, much less something that might be different or unfamiliar. In fact, let me relate this to you, as an example. They have a “faith-based” cell block here, called the “God-pod”. Well, I asked, and was granted permission to move there. But, I was told, in no uncertain terms by the other inmates, that I was in the “wrong religion” and that I was simply not wanted. Even the free-world volunteer who runs it told me that I would have to attend the Christian programs, but that I did not have to pay attention. My only reason for wanting to go there was to get into a more peaceful setting to, perhaps, enhance my own search for God. However, upon being given the above information, I had to respectfully opt out.
My conclusion, and I pray that it was the correct one, was that it would be better for me to speak to others about Krsna in General Population, despite all the awfulness and madness, then to try to preach KC to those who refuse to see anything other than their own limited beliefs.
Whatever, I believe it was the right decision. Not for myself, because it is much harder where I am now, but I think it was the right move as far as preaching KC goes. I will NOT stop telling anyone who will listen about Krsna. The books you sent will help a lot. I pray about my inability and poor knowledge of KC, and I know that Prabhupada can do a better job than I.
Well, I suppose that will be enough, for now. Please forgive me. I am aware that, often, what I write you may sound foolish. The searching steps of a child on an unfamiliar path. And I am grateful to you for all that you are doing to help me progress. The books, BTGs, and especially your letters and reflections. I am also grateful for your patience with this neophyte, this foolish man. I have such a long way to go before I finally get home. But changes are taking place, though they are small.
One final thing; after reading the verse you included in your letter (SB 2.3.21), I was shocked at how it applied to me. Personally. I too was “puffed up” and now I see the truth. I believe with all my heart that you are correct about the Vedas. Though I do not, and can never presume to hope that I will come to understand it all, it is and must be the vault that holds the key to all the ills that plague mankind today. The sastras may confound me, frighten or confuse me, bewilder, shock and amaze me, but the fact must be, that the ancients knew more about what Truth is than we do today. I must drop the old man, with his meaningless and useless beliefs, and surrender totally to His word and will.
A tall order, to change this man into a devotee. One that is worthy of initiation. One that is worthy to scrub the floor in the temple. The key, and foremost effort I must make, I believe, is one of the most basic. I must work on my japa (maybe do a little less thinking! LOL!)
Hare Krsna!
I am, and will remain,
your servant,
Bhakta Mark
Iowa Park, Texas
______________________________________________________________________
9-4-10
Dear Bhakti-lata, Hare Krsna!
All glories to Srila Prabhupada!
Please accept my humble respects and obeisances.
I hope everything is well for you, mataji. My KC grows and flourishes with our correspondence and your letters are truly worth the wait.
Well, I never imagined it would be so difficult to practice my KC here [a new institution]. Chaplain H. hates KC. He more or less alluded to the fact that he was going to have me sent to the hole [solitary] if I persisted in trying to practice KC in the chapel. Chaplain R. is much more enlightened. It’s been so discouraging and my KC has suffered as a result. I settled for attending the Siddha yoga meetings. Chaplain H. told me that if I want to practice KC, it falls under the “umbrella” of Hindu services of which the Siddha yoga inmates take all the time slots. So I cut Prabhupada’s picture out of last month’s BTG and made a cardboard frame that I could set up in front of me while I chanted. Well, last night when I went to the meeting, the inmate facilitator, who has NO idea of what he’s doing, told me I was not permitted to have Prabhupada’s picture in the meeting and, in essence, tossed me out of the meeting.
So for now, I’m renewing my KC fervor. I’ve cleaned off the top of my locker and have erected an altar. There’s flowers on the yard so I can offer a flower every day to Prabhupada. In your next letter, please send me some pictures of Lord Krsna, Lord Visnu, Lord Caitanya, and Lord Nrsimhadeva. I’m going to renew my chanting and my vegetarian diet. And until I received your Bhagavad-gita, I have another that’s not a bad translation and seems to keep to the format, but I can tell how far superior As It Is is. I so miss Prabhupada’s purports.
In the last two years, KC has brought me so much peace, so much tranquility, so much hope, and so much joy- it seems unfathomable that I could ever give it up. There is no way I could replace it with Siddha yoga. Impersonalism is so vague, so empty. It feels so good to know that by chanting the maha mantra and practicing devotion to the Lord I can, as an individual, transfer to the Vaikuntha planets and live with our Lord. After practicing bhakti yoga, it’s as if everything makes sense now.
9-10-10
Mataji, I received your letter and, just earlier in the day, I received the Bhagavad-gita and the japa beads. And, yes! Separation did indeed make my heart grow fonder of KC and Prabhupada’s words. Quite an interesting chain of events. I had come back to meat eating ever since I had arrived here and hadn’t chanted more than a few rounds. Chaplain H. kept telling me he was going to send me to the hole if I persisted in trying to practice KC and I was getting very discouraged. I even thought about giving it up for a little while and go back to my Mormon faith.
Well, believe it or not, I related this whole experience to who I considered my best friend here; an old Muslim man, about 65, and this guy has no he asked me- was I willing to go to the hole for my religion? He told me, of all the reasons to go to the hole, practicing your religion seemed the best. He told me I needed to make a decision; was I willing to put Vaisnavism front and center in my life? So I decided. I cut pictures out of the BTG and made an altar on my locker top (as I told you before). I immediately offered water and flowers and began again eating a strict vegetarian diet and offering my food to Lord Krsna. I began praying to Him again, asking Him to help me- and mataji- did it really surprise me that within days, Chaplain R. stood up for me and even the associate warden sympathized with me and that muddha H. went on vacation. Jaya! How the Lord reciprocates with His devotees!
I left San Bernardino and my KC books on June 29th and it took until September 9 to see a Gita back in my hands. Those two months felt like a virtual eternity and Krsna willing, that will never happen to me again. With my altar, Tulasi Devi [japa beads], and the Gita, others are inquiring what KC is. Last night, I made prasadam for two friends. One says he wants to hear kirtan and watch Prabhupada with me! I certainly felt like the gopis- well, not anywhere near their anxiety of separation- but I certainly felt like crying. I did feel desperate just to practice KC. I felt such separation from Krsna that a day felt like a month. Literally, the last two months seemed to take so long to go by, as opposed to Sand Bernardino, where I was locked down all the time but the months flew by.
I much prefer inner spiritual happiness than outer material happiness. But today, as I walked out on the yard, with the beautiful tall poplar trees, the friendly black biers and squirrels, the gorgeous forest beyond the fences, the gorgeous cloud cover, the colorful flower gardens and the bumble bees happily pollinating the flowers, I chanted my rounds with Tulasi Devi and felt bliss spring in my heart. Things are definitively getting better.
Thank you so much for the prayers to the Six Goswamis. Reading about them in the CC was so blissful. It’s weird how fondly I remember those times I read the CC and SB in my teeny little one man cell, in the middle of the night when all was silent, after I finished my nightly 16 rounds straight, on my homemade plastic japa mala knots. I hope to have more of those times ahead.
I’m also taking your suggestion and memorizing SB 10.14.8
9-22-10
I’ve been studying NOD and going through the BG again and I can’t wait to get to the Krsna Book.
I always have fresh flowers on the beautiful altar I erected in my locker. Well, anyone who comes into my cell can’t help but to see it and most ask about it. Well, this young guy, Joe, I think Prabhupada’s image must have awakened something inside of him. I started telling him about KC and chanting and he decided on his own that he was going to try it. The he said he wanted to go the chapel with me and sing kirtan.
I think that now Chaplain R. is going to give me the Buddhist time slot (Monday, 6 PM to 8 PM). I can watch our beloved Prabhupada on a large 46’’ plasma screen and check out all the groovy devotees from the 70s! It’s a trip watching the shirtless guys with their shaved heads and tilaka fanning him with utter seriousness and reverence. I was also amazed to see how short Prabhupada was and yet how commanding and mesmerizing his presence was (is). I just sat there in awe with a huge grin on my face. It was also wondrous to hear kirtan for the first time. I immediately began singing it and wanted to get up and dance. I noticed how much other material there is other than the maha mantra. Are there any written transcriptions so I can follow along with what they’re singing? I’m sure, as the months and years go by, I’ll become infinitely familiar with each of the songs and grow to love each and every one of them.
Last Monday, Joe and I were relegated to what they nickname “the sacred hallway”, which is the place the chapel has when all the rooms are taken. All the CD players were out so we had to play the cassettes. I had plenty of room to dance though! Dong call and response with Prabhupada was just the greatest. I mean, after all this time and-finally- being able to not just hear him but see him. It was like he was right there in the room. I got goose bumps. I just wanted to fall down at his lotus feet. It was so amazing!
Prabhupada’s books give me such joy that I understand how they are a type of incarnation of the Lord. The shakti I feel from them, I don’t feel from any other books with the exception of the Bible, so needless to say, it’s difficult reading anything else. The connection with Lord Krsna is so strong and I feel so blessed that the sastras are back with me. Even though I’m looking at a huge amount of time [in prison], Lord Krsna is helping me through all this, teaching me proper perspective. The potency of devotional service is such, that those stinking material desires don’t have the same impact. This is an amazing blessing because the Mormon path fills me with regret for what I could have had and simply serves to remind me of how I screwed up, that I’ll probably never have the chance to marry and have children, and yet, with KC, those things are –attachments- and without them, I have less desires. Less ties to the material world, and so with KC, I can embrace my situation. I can thank Krsna that I don’t have all the material possessions, all the outside distractions that take me away from transcendental bliss, which is what it’s all about anyway.
Later– I watched Prabhupada, sang kirtan and burned incense. It’s amazing his command of Sanskrit. I had the subtitles turned on so I could totally understand everything he was saying –just ecstatic! It charges my KC every time I get to see Prabhupada!
I’m wondering if there are any devotees that might be in the Salem or Portland area that might want to administer a KC program here?
It is so wondrous to have these awesome books here with me now. I’ve got most of them in my cell and have the small SB on my altar. I’ve finished (for now) reading NOD and on to the Krsna Book.
Prabhupada was speaking tonight about peacefulness; that it’s impossible to have in the material world and the only way to true peacefulness is through Krsna. And I can testify of that mataji. Now that I have these transcendental books I can taste His nectar and it contributes to my chanting. I gave this simple job of going across our very large yard in the housing area, picking up small bits of trash which there rarely are. It’s during a time when the yard is closed in the early afternoon. I find this a wonderful time to chant my rounds and see Krsna everywhere, in everything –all those jivas, those atomic souls, Vishnu in all those living things- when I ‘m chanting out there on the yard. I feel so close to all of it –like Prabhupada says- with Krsna only is there true peacefulness.
It’s amazing that I’ve been reading Sanskrit for a few years now and I get to actually hear how it’s pronounced. Whoa. I mean the words just flow effortlessly from Prabhupada’s mouth. I watch all the devotees effortlessly say a mantra like om namo bhagavate vasudevaya and I can barely pronounce Vrndavan!
Anyway, I’ve got my transcendental blissful work cut out for me. My cell, my beautiful altar; I’ve got the books filled with the sweetest nectar my mind and intelligence can feast upon, I’ve got Tulasi Devi to help me with my chanting and my dearest spiritual master on DVD, CD, and cassette. I can chant outside among beautiful living things and live my life as a Vaisnava. Blessings, blessings, blessings.
So once again, mataji, thank you so much for everything! I so look forward to your next letter.
Your servant,
Bhakta Richard
Sheridan, Oregon
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To help with this prison program, please contact Mukunda Dasa or Bhakti-lata Dasi at:
ISKCON Prison Ministry
PO Box 2676
Alachua, FL 32616-2676
IskconPrisonMinistry@gmail.com
www.iskconprisonministry.com
352-575-0298