AMERICAN BRAHMACARI

By Bhakta Chris

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Om ajnana-timirandhasya
Jnanajnana–salakaya
Caksur unmilitam vena
Tasmai sri-gurave namah

“Born of the darkest ignorance, my spiritual master has opened my eyes with the torchlight of knowledge. I offer my respectful obeisances unto him” (Sri-Guru Pranama)

Sarva-dharmam parityajya
Mam ekam saranam vraja
Aham tvan sarva-papebyho
Moksayisyami ma sucah

“Abandon all varieties of religion and surrender unto Me. I shall deliver you from all sinful reactions. Do not fear.” (B.G 18.66)

These are two descriptions of an individual’s place in life that are very much a contradiction when put together. A brahmacari is an individual who has chose to enter the renounced order of life, committed to a lifestyle of tapasya, which include vows of celibacy and daily austerities, impossibly uncool to most modern sensibilities.

So, how did I, a peanut-butter-and-jelly Nintendo kid from America, the land of plenty and plenty more, choose to enter as a brahmacari into the tradition of Gaudiya Vaisnavism as brought to the West by His Divine Grace A.C Bhaktivedanta Swami Srila Prabhupada? Why did I choose this as my occupation, rather than going to Hollywood or some other sordid parts to pursue the fruits of my college degree that cost me thousands of dollars to earn?

There are so many ways to approach answers to those questions….quite simply, I could say I have chose this path in order to serve God, to serve the lotus feet of Radha and Krsna. That is the essence, after all. I could also simplify all the various answers by saying that this is the best and only way for me to fulfill my personal sense of responsibility, of learning how to “become a man”, to lose my naïve illusions, and to become self-sufficient and self-realized. (B.G 9.22 ananyas cintayanto mam/ye janah paryupasate/tesam nityabhiyuktanam/yoga-ksemam vahamy aham)1 I will simplify further and say that I have decided that it is my responsibility and duty in life to engage in the devotional service of the Supreme Personality of Godhead. (B.G 16.24 tasmac chastram pramanam te/karyakarya-vyavasthitau/jnatva sastra-vidhanoktam/karma kartum iharhasi)2

That’s the core of the apple if you will. But let me now dig a little deeper, get into the meat of the matter….wait…scratch…the textured vegetable protein of the matter. I pray very humbly to the audience of this piece that I will convey the honest desire in the center of my heart to become a pure devotee of the Lord. This is a difficult task, for I even have to still convince myself. I know that desire is there, but it is so covered by my material attachments that I can only pray for the association of actual pure devotees of the Lord to free me from fear, lust, and anger.

There are so many impressions that add together into something sublime..I remember the first kirtan I ever took part in. Being at Guild House on the campus of the University of Michigan, with Purusa-sukta das and Jagadish-caitanya das, flabbergasted that these skinny white kids were actual monks from Detroit, and also strangely grateful that my desire to find some kind of natural meditation to increase my already growing consciousness was being quickly fulfilled. As the maha-mantra entered my ears for the first time, I remember having my eyes closed, and feeling like my whole self was flipped upside down, resonating and floating. Instantly, there was no question that there was something to this…Prabhupada’s books, the ancient Vedic wisdom he was passing down, also made instant sense. Despite my interest in Buddhism, there wasn’t a process of having to convince myself that God existed and that we had a relationship with Him. I had spent many a night as a kid talking straight up to God before I fell asleep, recalling my day, the pretty girls I liked, and always signing off by saying “I love you.” This natural condition to love God was, and is, always inside me and coming to the surface…Can’t say the same about prasadam. Not even being a vegetarian at this point, it took a while to get used to the strange beans in my fridge. But, as you can tell, I am trying to make up for lost time.

Despite more of the usual college indulgences, and forays into the realms of non-devotional film, radio, and pizza delivery, I never stopped chanting, reading, eating, and associating. Krsna consciousness very quickly became something more than just “my meditation.” It became my faith, my spiritual expression, my truth, and my refuge. (B.G 6.30 yo mam pasyati sarvatra/sarvam ca mayi pasyati/tasyham na pranasyami/sa ce me na pranisyati)3 The desire continued to creep forward from the back of my mind: to become a devotee. Maybe in ten years, after I hit the working world, or maybe after my Mum passes on, so I don’t freak her out. But always Krsna was dragging me forward, engaging me in the mysterious pastimes of my own karma and His desire to have me as his soldier-child, leash of diamonds around my neck connected to Him.

It is said in the introduction to the Lalita-Madhava that “even if…a devotee takes birth as an animal in the jungle, as a human being in one of the directions of this world…or even as a resident of hell, the Supreme Personality of Godhead always brings Him to His lotus feet. The Lord never wishes to abandon him.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying I am a devotee, or a great soul, or anybody of any significance. But I clearly get the sensation that Krsna wants me in His service, and has dragged me against my will into His service, for dint of pious acts I have committed in previous lives, or for reasons I cannot even begin to comprehend. Despite many opportunities to fulfill my sahajiya tendencies, my devotional practice has been a slow and steady curve upwards to the point where I stand now, and I can only pray to my dear Lord that this progress never ceases. (B.G 4.36 api cd asi papebhyah/sarvebhyah pap-krt-tamah/sarvam janah-plavenaiva/vrijinam santarisyasi)4

Above all, the main convincing factor that has led me to this most sublime devotee life, to the hairy hills of West Virginia, has been the association of the Lord’s devotees. (S.B 1.18.13 tulayama lavenapi/na svargam napurnur-bhavam/bhagavat-sangi-sangasya/martyanam kim utasisah)5

As I bumbled through my first missteps in the experience of temple life, experiencing the rough “cold shower” of waking up at 4am for Mangala Arati during my first Yoga retreat at the Fisher Mansion, or taking in my first festival, Govardhan Puja, at New Vrindavan, and promptly crashing our car on the drive back (this is what I get for falling asleep ten feet in front of Radhanath Swami while he was lovingly and richly telling the story of Govardhan Hill), I quickly became aware of the joy of seeing Prabhupada’s words coming to life in front of me in the loving actions of the devotees. I could see that this was not some vague abstraction, mass brainwashing, or impossible-to-attain Crowleyan mystic yoga. This was real bliss. This was the root. This was common sense. Love and devotion that didn’t have to pretend. The devotee became a role model for me to aspire to, to worship, and to serve. (S.B 6.14.5 muktanam api siddhanam/narayana-parayanah/sudurlabhah prasantatma/kotisv api maha-mane)6

The unpretentious simplicity charmed and charms my heart. The constant joy and wonder amazed and amazes my mind. The compassion was and is something to behold. Most of all, and this may seem selfish, it was the positive reinforcement I received for the simplest little act of service or outreach. It was this reinforcement that I found so lacking even in the hippy-heaven of Ann Arbor, and it is this reinforcement that keeps me going as I deal with the dust, lust, and bones that keeps me from the realizations I so deeply desire.

It is the association of the pure devotee, being in the presence of the saffron particles of such exalted personalities as HH Bhakti Tirtha Maharaja, HH Sacinandana Maharaja, and most recently and most profoundly, HH Radhanath Maharaja, that has provided the complete foundation to the life of devotion I aspire to. SP says in The Nectar of Devotion that a moment’s association with a pure devotee is of more benefit and more pleasure than any material experience. I still constantly think of the kind gestures and words Radhanath Swami offered me in Chicago, knowing in one sense that that experience is all the motivation I will ever need to become pure myself. Feeling the emotions I felt listening to his disciples offering their heart to him during his birthday celebration, unable to contain the slow trickle of tears coming from my eyes, I no longer needed any convincing that this process works. Seeing who Radhanath Swami is and what he means to his disciples, and to all devotees and living entities in general, is part and parcel of the greatest inspiration and benediction we have ever received, the mercy of Lord Caitanya and his “commander-in-chief” Srila Prabhupada. We should constantly strive for the association of pure devotees to always advance and refresh our own devotion. I have been asked how much I really want and desire to advance as a devotee, or how much I really want my false ego to die so that my soul may truly shine. I answer that by saying if Krsna makes me capable of undergoing 1/10th the intensity of austerity that these great souls achieved in their realizations, I will dive in and never look back.

In my last year in Ann Arbor, I began to fully realize I was simply treading water. That city has offered me the highest highs, so to speak, and some of the lowest lows I have ever experienced in my life. I entered that town a baby-faced naïve youngster ready for college life, and I ended up a somewhat grizzled, still naïve hipster who hadn’t grown up as much as gathered a bit more dirt on my face and heart. Still, I had learned a bit about the art of love, and I had learned that my childhood nighttime talks with God, always ending with “I love you”, had been listened to. Now God, my dear Krsna, was showing me that it was time to take our relationship to a deeper level. As my radio career stayed perpetually in the same place, my money ran out, my friends all seemed to move on, and déjà vu became the theme, I began to write in my journal many times that it was “now or never.”

I was telling myself to take the plunge, to follow in the footsteps of those who were doing the most serious occupation, the most responsible occupation, and the highest occupation. As Krsna mercifully left little ol’me finally without a place to stay, wandering the streets with my backpack at the mercy of friends and parents, I finally came to a full meditation on one scriptural verse that had always struck me very deeply. (S.B 10.88.8 sri-bhagavan uvaca/yasyaham anugrrhnami/harisye tad-dhanam sanaih/tato dharmam tyajanty asya/svajana dukkha dukhanam)7 I realized that if Ann Arbor had a personal form, (probably a slightly odorous, good-time unmotivated hippie) I would be strangling it. At the same time, my vision cleared, and the desire for serious devotional life finally came to the forefront of my head and heart. It was, and is, the only thing that makes sense, the only process I could ever undertake that I can fully trust in the result, because I have seen, in the personalities of Srila Prabhupada, Bhatka-Tirtha Swami, and Radhanath Swami, that this process works, and I want, more than anything, to be like these great souls.

I have realized lately that throughout my whole life, I have been tugging with only gentle force, but with a strong desire, to untie the knots of my heart. (S.B 1.2.21 bhidyate-hrdaya granthis/chidyante sarva-samsayah/ksiyante casya karmani/drsta evatmanisvare)8 This realization explains so much my aloofness and lack of motivation to the normal highways of Western life, the terrible feeling of wasted time every time I sat down to tinker with my resume, and my introversion towards the social settings I always found repulsive, frightening, and pointless. It is not that I don’t want to be successful in the doings of my own life, but I am finding that unless I address the deep spiritual longings of my heart, which are the only longings that have any meaning, then I will always simply be floating in the haze of my own material desires, never quite committing, never quite giving myself completely, and never quite finding the challenges I need to fully grow. Most of all, I am learning now what is the most important task: that one should desire to find pure love of God, and then do whatever God deems necessary to make sure others receive this gift. That is the success of life, and I consider, with the deepest gratitude, this to be a privilege of which I can spend all of eternity trying to repay to all of God’s sons and daughters anywhere and everywhere.

So I am finally inside the holy dham, the daily adventure of New Vrindavan, forever looking for the dust of the greatness that has come before me, and which still exists here, even if it may be hidden in unforeseen corners, or covered by the mistakes of the past. This place is a very special portion of Srila Prabhupada’s mission, and I can relate in whatever small humble form to how Prabhupada felt as he finally came to reside in Vrndavana. Living in a community of constant devotional association, always striving with everyone else on how best to serve the lotus feet of Radha and Krsna, even with the sense of struggle, I feel a great sense of relief, and a great sense of flowing into the natural state of being.

Like Prabhupada, I wonder and shout out loud…”Why shouldn’t people all around the world have this? This was the abode of peace, yet no one knew anything of it, nor were people interested. But this is what they were actually hankering for.”9 As I learn to now relate Prabhupada on a level beyond simple intellectual appreciation and awe, a level of deep and profound love, I bow at his lotus feet as a speck of dust hoping simply for the association of devotees, constant devotional service, and the mercy of Krsna, so that the coverings of lust, greed, envy, and anger may be removed from my heart, so that I can truly make him happy.