By Karnamrita dasa
On my way to and from the Northern California Redwoods, I stopped in San Francisco, which is basically my hometown. I spent 14 years of my life there. In general I don’t feel particularly nostalgic for this town I grew up in, though I do have a fascination for my past. Why? I see how it has shaped me psychologically and the negative feelings and resentments from my childhood have caused me quite a bit of difficulty in my spiritual practice. It is a two edged sword, first helping me come to Krishna, and then presenting “issues” or attachments to be purified. It is funny how the motivations and consciousness that brought us to Krishna have to be transcended in time to call our spiritual progress.
In addition to my sadhana (which is the real “healing” method for our ultimate disease of the body) I have spent many years sorting out my past, trying to learn its secrets and lessons, and making peace with it and my parents less then ideal way of raising me (though perfect karmically). I find it amazing, though understandable how unprepared most of us are for this job of parenting which so affects our children. With all my years of mediocre sadhana I still found I also needed counseling and the introspection it fosters, self help books, personal growth workshops, and endeavoring for spiritual understanding. In some ways I feel I have risen above much of the negative aspects of my past, though our conditioning is deep and has unexpected surprises.
Even though I accept I am still affected by my intense childhood conditioning (which is the way our past life’s karma imprints us), I was still taken by surprise at my affectionate feelings–attachments–for the surroundings I grew up in. It seems we have layers of self understanding which come to us when we are ready to learn.
The surroundings were so familiar yet I realized how small my childhood vision was. As a child I just saw my immediate area with few details. Currently I am quite a detail person, so with my adult eyes there were just so many things I noticed for the first time on this visit. I just couldn’t get enough of it—like an explorer deciphering an ancient code with important lessons for today!
Perhaps it is the time of life I am in now, when I am preparing and meditating on being an elder—-with some resistance—mind you—as part of me doesn’t want to grow out of the illusion of youth I have been stuck in for so long, and really give up my enjoying spirit. I aspire to embrace the spiritual platform of seeing everyone as a soul who is part of God, and not in terms of how they are attractive or unattractive from the physical perspective. What is the real truth of a person anyway?
If I can’t rise to this platform—-at least acting consistently on it in theory, my ability to really help others will be limited. That is my current major challenge—it is a challenge for all of us on a spiritual path–yet now it is right in my face as I see the light at the end of the tunnel of my life. Perhaps I have 20 or 30 years–or maybe one moment more! How can I make those years, months, weeks, days and hours count for the best benefit for myself and others?
I share my life experience at the New Age store where I work and through my writings, yet to be most effective I have to really walk my talk and exemplify my path of Bhakti yoga (example is stronger then just words). So much of life is dependent on our faith, attachment, and desire. What do any of us really want? We may intellectually think we SHOULD want to be a certain way, but what we feel rules us, sometimes forcing us to act.
We know from the of 8th chapter of the Gita that our attachments and state of mind take us to the next body, while modern self help authors teach how to use this principle (Law of Attraction) in this life to obtain material things (though they don’t know that you have to have the karma for success to use these ideals effectively). It is true that we can have most anything we want—at least in some life if not now—but no one asks who has set up this law or what its ultimate purpose is.
Seeing that we can obtain things and desirable situations can be a start if it points us in the spiritual direction (like the karmakanda section of the Vedas), but is not a permanent solution to our soul’s hankering for love and lasting freedom beyond the limitations of matter. As devotees of Krishna we understand that we must know who we truly are as souls, our eternal destination, and eternal relationship to Krishna to really to use the laws of Krishna’s Universe to benefit ourself spiritually.
Our material body and mind are temporary and in the highest sense have nothing to do with our eternal soul. Thus our material family is also illusory since it pertains to the body, not our self as we are spiritually. (Much easier to understand in theory then by realization, and many of us have fanatically applied the theory causing our families unneeded suffering.) In spirit we have our true lasting family. When in material consciousness we have to deal with our attachment to the physical family while doing our duty, yet as we make spiritual progress, it has less and less importance as we see the soul within all.
My trip to San Francisco demonstrated very practically that I still have bonds to my childhood that I am unaware of which I have to purify by spiritual practice. Who has really transcended theirs–is it even important? From my perspective it depends on where our heart is, because that is where we are. I have come a long way, yet I have still far to go, and during the last period of my life I pray to make more spiritual progress. Generally for those on the spiritual path, this is a natural absorption after the children are grown and our material concerns are diminished.
I know where I want to go in my head, yet part of my heart is still attached to the flesh and trying to love matter. In material consciousness we think the body and mind are the real object of enjoyment and affection, yet it only appears real because it covers the soul—who we are in fact. When will I realize this in truth, and for all time?
Real love is for Krishna and between souls in relationship to him. Spiritual life means to realize this fact and act accordingly. We will see how I fare in the years to come. I will continue to explore that quest in my writings. I ask all devotees to pray for me and for each other so that we can all obtain spiritual perfection in this life, or as soon as possible. Though it may take many lives of spiritual practice to obtain Prema, it is also true that in one life we will go to Krishna. The only question remaining is which one?
I suppose it is how we look back at our individual past, that determines whether our sense of nostalgia is healthy or not.
As recorded by certain disciples, Srila Prabhupada would often speak of his past: like obtaining new shoes and admiring them; how he got this scar, or that; about his sometimes-demanding nature – as in the case of the toy gun – and so on. Having had vaisnava parents, his was an affectionate recollection. Because he was a pure devotee, would this yet be a clinical or detached remembrance?
Since our past is intimately linked with our present, and has ‘karmically’ paved our way to becoming devotees – as you mentioned – should our own memories be clinical too? Even sometimes now, I dream of being in the house I lived in as a young boy. So undoubtedly, the ethereal bonds are very strong.
Perhaps if we look back with the benefit of our enlightened devotee training, yet we still rue the missed opportunities for sense pleasure when they availed us, or feel emotionally involved with stirring thoughts of long ago, would these be causes of concern for us when we are supposed to be focused on the future?
While a certain allure exists to seek out bits of information concerning our embodied history and beyond, we could say that in the life of a devotee, any past event should be considered important, simply due to ‘karmic’ proceedings having transformed one life into another. In that sense, it could be a valid implement of knowledge.
It would be artificial for us to block out all that had happened to us in the past, even on the plea of detachment and renunciation. Rather we can examine those events clinically if necessary, but we can most definitely learn from them.
Ys, Kesava Krsna Dasa.
Kesava Krsna Prabhu: The experience of returning to S.F after 25 years and the whole topic of our past brings up so many points and questions to me. As you mentioned it would be artificial to block out all those past experiences that in many ways have shaped us, yet for me and perhaps many other devotees, our first years living as a celibate we did exactly that. For me it was the intensity of emotional pain I had experienced that impelled me to flush my past–it was at least the of the material reasons for wanting to search for something beyond the offered possibilities of modern society. Years later I discovered I had a lot of resentment and anger concerning my youth, though at the time I had no idea I had any connection to my past. In a few short years I would be out of here. Not quite that easy!
There is still a controversy amongst certain devotees about the helpfulness of counseling for devotees—they just are plain against it. I have some bias toward the help of therapy since that is my wife’s profession and with my own experiences. We would not question that pure chanting and sadhana is sufficient to retire anarthas–which is how I would label emotional childhood baggage. I know devotees who have overcome worse childhoods then I had through intense japa and prayer etc, while I also know older devotees who were rather stuck, and plagued by their conditioning who have been helped by therapy. It could be argued that they just should have focused more on their japa and the bhakti process, instead of go “outside” of our tradition. We will never know, though we do know that through a devotee therapist they were able to see clearly their patterns and work to change their thinking and behavior. This is why I posted the question whether dealing with negative childhood experiences is necessary.
Another interesting topic is that a person born in a holy dhama may look down on Westerners for their birth, and feel proud and superior just by skin type or place of birth. Another example is our children who are very “good karma” kids by body type, good looks, intelligence, musical and creative ability etc, yet who may not have any intense reason to be sadhakas–they can be satisfied to be religious. Of course we never know when a devotees spiritual life will take off. We are hopeful that some day our kids will soar. It would seem that any situation can be either favorable or unfavorable for bhakti depending on the attitude of the devotee.
Hare Krishna. Karnamrita Prabhu is, of course, not unique. Each and every one of us has a debt of karma, action and reaction, that disturbs us externally, physically, and mentally as well as emotionally. There are some important guideposts along the way that we must take advantage of to both minimize these disturbances and maximize the value of our human time.
The Bhagavad Gita sloka 13.21 is a very good verse to remember in this regard. Material nature is the cause of all actions and reactions, but the living entity (jiva soul) is the cause of happiness and suffering. Things will enter and leave the mind without effort on our part. With some detachment, we can clearly analyze this and understand it. So, we must take the shelter and advice of Sri Gurudeva: think of Krishna, serve Sri Guru and Vaishnava. When the higher attachment is there (and for us who have so little taste, we can say that there is at least the option or choice to receive Krishna instead of dwelling on the passing fantasies that cross the screen of the mind), then we can take shelter of Sri Nama at any time. The important point here: the choice is OURS!!! No one is forcing the jiva soul to try to lord over matter, exploit the senses, etc. etc. It is the minute free will of the jiva soul that comes into play.
And, when sacrifices are made for the pleasure of Krishna (bhoktaram yajna tapasam) then He is pleased by our meagre efforts to reach Him. That is a small act of love for Krishna. Believe it!
Srila Prabhupad often said that “you don’t know how lucky you are to be born in America”. After all, our government supports freedom of religion, and the harsh struggle for existence was not too bad in the US, to be sure. Finally, our beloved Srila Prabhupad inaugurated his worldwide ISKCON preaching outside of India in the USA.
So, is the cup half empty or half full? The attitude must be adjusted that the world is not our enemy. Srila Prabhupad used the example of the rope in the corner appearing like a snake. The material world is under Sri Krishna’s control. He is our Friend. The adjustments must be made internally on every level. Jaya Srila Prabhupad!
Yours in service, Pusta Krishna das
Hari Bol Pusta Krishna Prabhu! My wife and I just finished the Prabhupada Memories DVD with you on it and we were impressed with your gentleness, humor, intelligence and broadminded perspective. It is also evident in your comments here. Thanks for sharing yours on this topic.
I know to some extend my good fortune in meeting Prabhupada and his continual presence in my life though his murti, instructions and especially through his disciples. Prabhupada’s disciples have always been the principle way that Prabhupada’s mercy has come to me. As I age it is more and more evident that material enjoyment offers us no lasting shelter. Desires remain, while our ability to “enjoy” them diminishes. There is nothing like direct experience for most of us.
I certainly know that I am not unique in my past distress. Although we hear in the Gita of 4 types of persons who come to Krishna, it seems most of us were very distressed–even burnt out, and were desperately seeking relief. Those of us who were more fortunate also had enough sukriti to keep us going when our suffering wore off and we had to have a positive foundation–certainly not full blown ruci–but enough to have a positive rather than primarily negative impetus to come to Krishna–and stay with him.
The reason I thought it would be interesting to bring up the topic of our past conditioning is that I found personally that the material reasons which almost forced me to search out another alternative to materialism and come to Krishna were the very things I later had to deal with in order to make spiritual progress. I sort of thought I could flush my past and that it was over. By Prabhupada’s sakti and my being focused on his mission I was able to put a lot on hold, and then he left our vision. That is, in my understanding, one of the tests of the guru, for when he leaves it will be revealed how much we actually understood his instructions–whether we will be more into the form or substance of the teachings. Many of the quarrels and differences between devotees are really concerning the form or details which are meant to facilitate the real essence for being realized. That is certainly true in the larger religious world.
So how important is our past conditioning? That depends on how it might be causing an impediment for our sadhana. I don’t know if it is possible to be completely materially balanced, though it seems to help us be less extreme. And the main question is how much we are attached to Krsna.
Dear Karnamrita Prabhu,
Dandavat and Hare Krishna. Krishna consciousness is very natural. We are eternally related with Krishna. By our conditioning, and with knowledge we know that we now have real choice, we have some propensity to act falsely independently …and, we suffer and sometimes enjoy the outcomes. But, it is not satisfying for an awakening soul.
We do need to become aware of certain unwanted things, compared with 3 witches. One is bhukti, desire to expoloit the senses, certainly a constant battle. Two is mukti, desire for liberation. We are seekers of love of God, not liberation which still carries with it the seed of misdirected self-interest. Third, siddhi is desire for some form of mystic domination. All three desires or temptations are distractions from the ultimate goal of the jiva souls, loving service for Sri Krishna.
Remember, Krishna consciousness is natural. As the fire goes out on material life, we must not try to again throw fuel on that fire. Allow the inner joy of Krishna to swell up within. You can never be the loser with efforts made in Krishna consciousness, even if they are incomplete or imperfect. They contribute to our spiritual momentum. Krishna will save us and engage us as He likes. Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu says that He is always my worshipable Lord unconditionally.
Krishna is real. He is not imaginary. He remains hidden from us to the degree that we oppose Him, and He reveals Himself to the degree that we surrender to Him. And, we are also real, eternal jiva souls. So, we must not live from outside in, exploiting the material possibilities, but rather from inside out, seeing through the wisdom of Sri Gurudeva.
When Sri Gurudeva disappears, it is sometimes likened to the sun setting. Srila Prabhupad had so much compassion. He came at the age of 70. He did not want to leave his disciples and future seekers without solid guidance. He translated so many texts for us. He established so many centers. Don’t worry about the imperfections and quarrels that occur in the society of bhaktas. I have heard one example that when you make ghee, clarified butter, the impurities rise to the top, and they must be removed. Whatever rationale one may have to explain this, know that Srila Prabhupad did not think them sufficient to abandon the association of devotees. Find some like minded bhaktas to associate with and stay in the fire of Krishna consciousness always. PustaKrishna das
“Don’t worry about the imperfections and quarrels that occur in the society of bhaktas. I have heard one example that when you make ghee, clarified butter, the impurities rise to the top, and they must be removed. Whatever rationale one may have to explain this, know that Srila Prabhupad did not think them sufficient to abandon the association of devotees. Find some like minded bhaktas to associate with and stay in the fire of Krishna consciousness always.”
Hare Krsna Pusta Krsna Prabhu. Please can you explain a little more this paragraph?
Sorry for my ignorance.
Thank you.
Namacarya das
Karnamrta prabhu,
You said you were in favour of certain devotees receiving counselling, but felt there is resistance to it. There are several reasons why this may be a tough ask.
With approximately 95% of Iskcon members living outside of the temple, the need to be balanced could offset such a need. I was just thinking, that had our professional psychologists been in place during the years when everything meant living in the temple – and all sorts of personalities joined; the emotionally disturbed, the motivated, the imbalanced, and the rest – some useful services could have been rendered.
I have personally observed how super-staunch highly respected practitioners got reduced to being nervous wrecks, and developed lasting problems which included memory loss, extreme guilt responses, difficulties in relationships, and so on. These are obvious cases for ongoing counselling. Marital disruptions between devotee couples, especially when their children are involved, also require help.
The difficulty arises when being a devotee, being a vaisnava, should not be subject to matters of counselling, let alone suffer in ways that people with uncontrolled minds do. Srila Prabhupada mentions in Sri Isopanisad, that devotees should not reveal their minds to materialistic persons for understandable reasons. But with devotee specialists available this need can be met.
Then there is the dilemma of say a very senior devotee having mind problems, and being reluctant to reveal the mind to a junior, but professional devotee psychologist. Of course, confidentially clauses should prevail, but the stigma attached to having mind problems is, I am sure, a deterrent. Vaisnavas are not supposed to suffer this way.
There is no doubt that the fire of Krishna consciousness can burn to ashes all of our anarthas, but I guess, many practitioners will not dive in fully as it were, but will retain their individual problems. For these reasons, a need exists for specialised counsellors, but at least they are devotees and can empathise more in spiritual terms.
It seems if you want to implement a widespread acceptance of counselling, an educational drive is necessary.
Ys, Kesava Krsna Dasa.
We are jiva souls in human bodies living in the Kali Yuga, the Age of Quarrel. Whatever imperfections may be there in the association of devotees, it is better than abandoning that association altogether, quitting the fight against Maya, and spoiling our human opportunity. Fortunately, there are enough good-hearted bhaktas around to seek out good souls to associate with.
Here is the gist: If someone discourages a bhakta, that is violence of the worst kind. I know for a fact that this is very displeasing to Srila Prabhupad. When one encourages others in Krishna consciousness, they are known to be “the most dear to Krishna” and Sri Gurudeva. It is much more important to encourage devotees in bhakti then to encourage strangers. In fact, we have seen practically that Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu did not preach to the public. He performed Sankirtan and distributed prasadam, but His philosophical comments were restricted to interacting with His close confidential associates.
The example of impurities rising to the top when preparing ghee from butter is simply a way to rationalize how an aspiring bhakta is not a liberated soul, and karma (both good and bad) will filter out into the environment. When pride comes out, we can expect that Krishna will find His own manner of correcting us. But, the progressive march Home is our reason for taking shelter of a bonafide Guru. If one does not desire to go back to Home, back to Godhead, to love and serve Sri Krishna eternally, there is no need for a Guru. Given enough time, we can see that Krishna’s ability to correct sincere devotees is perfect. We must not be too quick to condemn (nay, we must never condemn) aspiring bhaktas. Encouragement, encouragement, encouragement for the bhaktas….the way to Srila Prabhupad’s heart. Hare Krishna. Pusta Krishna das