Padmapani das: Dear Prabhus, Readers and Friends,
Please accept my humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada.
For those who might be interested or affected, I recently terminated “The Prabhupada Connection” website.
With deep regret, I admit that I messed up very badly and tragically. I was prescribed medication for back pain, cramping and spasms due to car accidents and I became addicted. In fact, I used too many and allowed myself to be controlled by toxic drugs (Tylenol 3 and Alprazolam). Therefore, I’m not qualified to continue with my service and have voluntarily resigned. Srila Prabhupada deserves so much better – pure devotional service to his lotus feet.
I no longer take those medications, but I should have known better. Maya is very strong and She got me in my Achilles Heel, even when I was attempting to serve His Divine Grace. So better I work on myself now rather than trying to reach others.
I pray with all my heart and soul that somehow Krishna and Srila Prabhupada will eventually forgive me – and I hope too the assembled Vaisnavas, our faithful readers and my dear friends. I’m very sorry to one and all. I’m a disgrace and I admit it.
All the best and thanks to so many great souls who befriended me online and who made “The Prabhupada Connection” a wonderful success. It almost seemed like we could sail back to Godhead on the wings of “The Prabhupada Connection,” except for my utter foolishness and horrible downfall. Please forgive me.
All glories to the great swan-like Paramahamsa, Srila Prabhupada, who will never fall down or disappoint.
Jaya Srila Prabhupada!
Undeservedly begging your mercy,
Padmapani das
(P.S. Having been in and out of the hospital for the past four months, writing is difficult now. But if anyone wishes to reach me again [all my e-mail addresses have been lost], kindly write to jayaprabhupada@yahoo.com. Thank you very much..)
Dear Padmapani Prabhu,
Please accept my heartfelt obeisances.
You are a wonderful sweet and sincere devotee. It pains me to hear you describe yourself as a “disgrace”. Such is the abject humility of real Vaisnavas.
Your website was beautiful and a great service to Srila Prabhupada and the community of his followers. Please do not feel discouraged.
I am always eager for your association. I know wherever you are you will be chanting and discussing Prabhupada’s books. I am glad to hear whatever difficulty you were having with pain medicine is over and I hope you feel better.
Your fallen servant, Akruranatha dasa
Dear Akruranatha Prabhu,
Please accept my humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada.
Thank you very much for your kind words, as always. However it’s true, Prabhu — I’m a disgrace and much worse. My only hope is the causeless mercy of true devotees like your good self. In fact, it’s YOU who exhibit “the abject humility of real Vaisnavas.” Please, therefore, pray for me and bless me. Without your mercy, my fate in hell is sealed.
Thank you once again for all your kindness. I hope that you’re well and happy in your exemplary service to Srila Prabhupada and his followers.
Best wishes, always.
Your servant,
Padmapani das
Dear Padmapani Prabhu,
Dandavats.
Please do not be too hard on yourself. Addiction to pain medicine is a problem that can easily victimize anyone. This is maya’s kingdom and there are so many traps for the unwary, and accidents can easily happen even to the vigilant.
The “Hare Krishna” medicine Srila Prabhupada is giving is so strong (“enechi aushadhi maya nashibaro lagi”) that it works for the sincere patient in spite of some accidental discrepancies in taking it. It is a special kind of medicine, because there is nothing artificial about it, and it really is the ultimate cure for all the ills of this world.
Sometimes devotees are discouraged because they feel unable to live up to the high standards Srila Prabhupada gave us, and this makes them want to avoid devotees and devotional service. [I know this does not apply to you Prabhu, but it was the subject of a recent email exchange with a godbrother]
We should not be consumed by guilt for our mistakes. We just have to apply ourselves anew and know that the day will come when we will be able to follow without mistakes. The process is that strong. “Quickly they become righteous and attain lasting peace. Krishna’s devotees never perish!”
[You already know all these things, but I am saying them for my own purification.]
Sometimes we are so used to our fruitive mentality that we think, “If I make this sacrifice or restrain my senses in this way, I will obtain this nice result in Krishna consciousness. If I fail to do so, shame on me, I have accepted a guilty pleasure.”
But at some point we start to realize that the service is its own reward, failure is its own misfortune, and being able to steadily act so as to please the spiritual master is itself the success we seek. The happiness we feel when we do so is only a secondary byproduct of that perfection.
Therefore, when we stumble, we should feel more unfortunate than guilty. Our stumble lets ourselves down far more than anyone else. We are “flying our own airplanes” and if we crash it is primarily we who suffer.
I am not saying there is no place for guilt and shame in Krishna consciousness. All decent moral people feel suitable remorse when they commit errors, and devotees are no exception. But we should not let guilt and shame trick us into staying away from steady practice, nor should we uselessly punish ourselves.
We have to get right back into the kirtan and dance with enthusiasm!
Dear Akruranathaji Prabhu,
Please accept my humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada!
I knew you wouldn’t let me get away!
Actually, I agree with you wholeheartedly, Prabhu. I just read the following from Srila Prabhupada’s letters:
“Sometimes in spite of our full Krishna Consciousness we fall a victim to maya but that is temporary just as seasonal changes such calamities do come & pass away & we have to endure them.” (Srila Prabhupada letter, Oct. 26, 1967)
As for “The Prabhupada Connection,” I just got released from the hospital last week after two straight months and a three-week stint prior to that. I may need surgery soon (will find out tomorrow). So I didn’t give a complete picture of the current situation in my recent notice. Sorry about that.
I took down the website for a number of reasons — mainly because if I can’t do a good job, then better to give it a rest for a while. There are so many e-mails arriving each day and I couldn’t keep up with them all from the hospital. I also have some other service beckoning; so all in all, this seemed like the best decision for now. Judging from the avalanche of love rec’d in the form of messages from devotees and friends around the world, it appears that many would still like to see the website online. Let’s see what Krishna has in mind. Will let you know.
In conclusion, I love reading your posts — and PLEASE feel free to chastise me all you want! Getting the “the sauce” from you is like eating Bahudak’s delicious halavah in Vancouver Yatra back in the 70’s! I’m sure you remember it well. ;)
Wishing you and all the devotees a Happy Gaura Purnima!
Your servant and friend,
Padmapani das
Dear Padmapani Prabhu,
It is very reassuring to hear about the “avalanche of love” you have received and it sounds like your spirits are good.
I do not think I could ever give you “the sauce”, so I hope you will let me just give you some halavah. I might even make some of Bahudak’s patented tomato rice as well. :-)
Devotees like you are the best friends anyone could ever have. I thank Srila Prabhupada and Krishna every day for introducing us to all the people who are really worth knowing.
Some years ago at a commencement address, a politician told a class of graduating seniors, “After spending the last four years here at Harvard University, I am sure you all realize … that it is not who you know … Its ‘whom’ you know!”
Too true.
Your humble servant, Akruranatha dasa
Hare Krishna, Akruranatha Prabhu,
Please accept my humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada.
Yes, I’m very glad to know you, Prabhu. Our formative years in Krishna Consciousness, although sometimes austere – like running around shopping mall parking lots in Calgary, Alberta wearing flimsy dhotis and selling sticks of incense during the middle of winter in minus 40 degree weather – haved served us well in the long run. They provided us with a strong foundation in Krishna Consciousness, serving the spiritual master and his mission at a ripe young age and helping us to form lifelong relationships based on that service. Even if we’ve had no contact for 30-35 years, once re-connecting again, we’re flooded with positive memories and godbrotherly/godsisterly affection. You can’t buy that for millions of dollars!
As for The Prabhupada Connection website, my friends and godsiblings won’t let me stop. The letters keep pouring in, urging (and demanding!) that I “get back in the saddle” ASAP. It’s heartwarming to know that so many have taken the time to write and encourage me, although I’m certainly most unqualified and unworthy. Thank you to everyone for all your kindness and support. Please always feel welcome to come and visit us (and participate) at the following address:
http://www.prabhupadaconnect.com/
It’s been great to renew our friendship online, Akruranatha Prabhu. Those early Vancouver years were sure something, eh? Bahudak once to wrote me (in fact, he left a message in our guestbook as well), quoting the famous song: “Those were the days, my friend/ We thought they’d never end/ We’d sing and dance/ forever and a day/We’d live the life we’d choose/ We’d fight and never lose/ Those were the days, oh yes, those were the days…” Thanks for the memories, Prabhu!
Hoping this meets you and yours in the best of health.
Please take care.
Your servant and friend,
Padmapani das
P.S. Krpanidhi Prabhu used to chastise me for trying to warm up my hands during mangala-arotik in the freezing van. “That’s sense gratification, Prabhu!” ;)