‘Whose Fault is Divorce?’: Mahatma Prabhu’s Response to Bhakti Vikasa Swami, Part 2

By Mahatma das

‘Whose Fault is Divorce?’: Mahatma Prabhu’s Response to Bhakti Vikasa Swami, Part 2

Prabhupada says that generally divorce is the woman’s fault. Chastity is one of a woman’s most important virtues, so husband and wife should not divorce. The premise of my article ‘Husband as Guru’ was that men are rarely entirely innocent. Some said this contradicts Prabhupada. I still stand by my statement. Yet, I do not agree I have contradicted Prabhupada, for by saying “generally,” Prabhupada doesn’t deny that men can have their share of responsibility in a divorce.

By stating that women are the main cause of divorce, we can assume this means that it is their weakness that they leave a good husband, or that they will leave a man who is deficient as a husband because they are unable to tolerate his ill behavior.

The point of my article was that even though a woman might be at fault, men are still part of the problem because their ill behavior makes it more difficult for their wives to remain chaste. If women are weaker, and thus require the physical, emotional, and spiritual protection of a man, and if he doesn’t give this adequately, women will generally be unhappy. And unhappy women are the ones who think about divorce (especially when they are extremely unhappy). If a woman is unhappy in her marriage, in most cases this means her husband is not dealing with her as well as he should.

Prabhupada is saying that a woman needs to tolerate a bad husband, just as Sukunya tolerated Cyavana. (although if he is extremely bad, it would be wrong to tolerate him as Prabhupada does say a women should leave a husband who is fallen). Divorce is thus caused by a lack of tolerance on women’s part. But the average woman is not like Sukunya. A man, understanding this reality, should make sure to keep his wife happy. If he doesn’t, and his wife leaves, he should understand why and share the responsibility for a failed marriage.

It is common for men to realize, after their wife leaves them, the mistakes they made that caused the divorce. Prabhupada taught us to take responsibility for our actions. To blame another for our failures is immature. Men should take responsibility for failed marriages. When my marriage was not doing well, Prabhupada blamed me, not my wife. He was right. I was acting immaturely and my wife was suffering.

When you study the complete body of Prabhupada’s instructions on marriage, you find that he often speaks of the need for the husband to satisfy the wife with children, home, food, clothes, and jewelry, stating that these will make her happy. (I will supply these quotes in my next article.) And, as we are seeing, as kali-yuga progresses, good husbands are becoming less common – and thus unhappy wives more common. The point I made in my article ‘Husband as Guru’ can be understood through the following analogy.

Let’s say there is a child, called Timmy, whom your son plays with. Timmy is not happy – and thus doesn’t have a good time – unless most of the time your son does things that Timmy likes.

But your son insists on doing what he wants to do most of the time. The result is that they don’t get along well. They fight about what to do, and then they end up playing alone, doing what each one likes to do best. You then have this conversation with your son.

You: “Timmy won’t be happy unless most of the time you do what he likes. If you do, you will actually have fun, because Timmy is in fact a fun guy and can be a great friend.”

Your son: “But it is Timmy’s fault that I can’t be happy doing what I like. I let him do what he likes some of the time, but I also need to do what I like.”

You: “I know this is Timmy’s fault, but if you do what he likes, then he will be a fun playmate. So do you want to play alone and watch him sit and sulk, or do you want to have fun together?”

Your son, being a really smart guy, replies: “OK, that makes sense.” So they do things that Timmy likes. And guess what happens. Since your son is nice to Timmy, Timmy all of a sudden asks, “What would you like to do?”

In the same way, smart husbands satisfy their wives. And guess what happens. The Sukunya side of their wives comes out. If a man never sees that side of his wife, he needs to ask himself what he is doing wrong.

Women respond to affection, kindness, and care. If this is given to them, with a few rare exceptions, they will be happy. If not given, in the majority of cases, they will be unhappy. And even if a woman is not treated well and still stays with her husband, but remains unhappily married, I don’t think we should we consider the marriage a real success.

There is another point that one devotee offered to this discussion: women should not tolerate an abusive situation. Much physical, emotional or spiritual damage can be caused by abusive men. I don’t recommend that women tolerate abuse unless their husbands are repentant and are improving their behavior.

My concern is that we should not condone Cyavana-like behavior among our men because it is not how Prabhupada taught husbands to behave. The tolerance that Sukunya showed was extraordinary. Men should not think they can act like Cyavana and expect their wives to tolerate them. Rather, they should take Prabhupada’s advice on how to act as an ideal husband.

To minimize, much less deny, these points is antithetical to creating good marriages.